May 31, 2009

A closer look...

Dickfer, you absolutely made my day.

Let's get a little deeper on this trio:

Man On Left: Periwinkle sport coat, available at your nearest Fashion Barn. Open collared robin's-egg-blue striped shirt. Missing gold chains. Definitely a guy betting the 4:40 at Hollywood Park ("GET THERE, FIVE!"). "Knows" certain outcomes of low-level sporting contests. Connected in ways we can only dream.

Man In Middle: Wide tie and curly locks busting out from awkwardly placed hat. Looks Australian. He is the grease man for Man On Left. He cuts the deals, cleans up the messes.

Man On Right: Can't physically wear a collared shirt or tie. They don't make them for people of his... carriage. He'll go with Hanes tee under sport coat from Men's Warehouse. Enormous mustache just takes attention off triple chin. A man who knows one thing about coaching basketball: "Let the bangers bang and the shooters shoot." LOVES hot sauce. Is kind of dumb.


Other comments?

Pro Basketball in the state of Florida

First, a little catching up. I didn't know Eric Estrada was the coach of the Heat. Second, I would have bet my life the Cavs would have won game 6. That being said, we now have Jebus vs. Kobe. Fine, go Jebus. HOWEVER, in the post game, when the trophy was handed out, I saw him. Research says he is the owner of the Magic. Amway billionaire. Most confused with the trophy. Let's go over that periwinkle sport coat, shall we. I haven't seen something that awesome since the Plaza sportsbook when someone reported in the morning to conduct business.



May 25, 2009

The 2009 NBA Draft

We know the Clip Ship could sink in a driveway, but I hadn't thought of this. The first two comments sum it all up.

May 22, 2009

I don't know that I've ever seen a worse game from NBA officials


There have been at least 5 calls that would rank as top 10 worst calls I've ever seen in all my days, right here in this game. Team Stern is out in full force. There is NO WAY they are letting the Magic win this game.


I posted too soon. There have been three calls since my posting that have left the Orlando players simply smiling. As if to say "OK, so we're playing against not only the Cavs, but the refs as well? Ok."

May 19, 2009

Elgin Baylor wasn't even there!!!

God, I wonder how they'll balls this up. Step one, drafting Australopithecus instead of Ricky Rubio, who is going to be a MUCH better pro. But hey, Oklahoma, get some.

DerMarr DerRozan (is that enough mid-name capitalizations?) should be available though. Choose wisely.

May 17, 2009

Team Stern

Already in the 2nd quarter there have been 3 absolutely incorrect calls going against the Magic. Team Stern has realized that Orlando has the nuts to win this game, and they simply can't have that. Did you see the clearout foul call? They waited a full 3 seconds until Lewis had an easy layup until they called it... it was like "No, that's not a foul... oh wait a minute, it led to an easy Magic basket, WHISTLE".

I fucking hate this shit. Just call it fair for once.

"The vote was 1-0."

Hey David, I think the Lakers and Rockets last played on Thursday. Same with the Celtics and Magic. Why are we waiting until Sunday to play the game?



May 14, 2009

What are the odds that Orlando will win game 7 in Boston against Team Stern?

1. No
2. Not really
3. Same as the Celtics would have against Cleveland... if the officials call the games fairly, which they will not
4. Same as Stan Van Gundy's team trying to take a shot that is not a three pointer
5. No

Orlando and Free Throws

Just don't mix.

May 11, 2009

NBA's Flagrant Officiating

Let me get this straight...

Any foul where the shooter moves his head even slightly, indicating soft contact, counts as a flagrant foul now? Which is two shots and the ball? And this happened when? Last week?

I thought the officials couldn't get any worse. Then they started calling this horseshit.

May 8, 2009

I Hook The Funky Beat With The Loop And The Feature

OH MY DEAR GOD. I can think of only one man in the universe, 0nly one soul dark enough to warrant even MORE hate than Deadzo were he to become the Wolves GM, and that man is Bill Simmons.

My Worst Nightmare, indeed.

Here's the thing... we all have great ideas about personnel moves. The old "tell me why this trade doesn't work!" argument is a real fun one to have when you're 4 deep at the Bulldog and the Lagunitas keeps coming like rain. Mr. Bliznawski and myself have gone through the ringer of "shit if they can dump Hudson for a bag of Earl's and a case of Fanta, we're in the pink!" or "Big Swerve is a tradeable asset!!!!!!!!" conversations. But here's the thing: we're idiots. And so is everyone else. We have good ideas sometimes, and sometimes we have bad ones, and sometimes we are EXCITED TO HAVE RICKY DAVIS ON OUR TEAM BECAUSE WE HATE OURSELVES.

The point is that Bill has the wonderful job of being able to write whatever he wants about the NBA and that includes possible trades that may work. As such, he gets some right. And he also gets some horribly wrong. He rolls the dice, thinking (maybe rightly) that he is smarter than most GMs. This I do not debate. There is no question in my mind I could defeat Kevin McHale in a game of trivial pursuit. Hell, I could beat him at NBA THEMED trivial pursuit. So could my 7 year old niece. That's not the issue. The issue is being a member of that club, of having to be the one out there actually doing these things... I can guarantee this is a business that looks MUCH easier from the outside than it is on the inside. And taking wild chances and going for broke NEVER WORKS, EVER. You may come up with a few good moves, but mostly you come up with garbage. Every GM has 3-4 terrible players on their roster... they know they're terrible and they are constantly trying to spin it that no, they are not in fact terrible. Bill Simmons would be the one taking these terrible players on. He's the one that would pop his nut to get Kevin Durant. He's the one who pimped Bobby Simmons so hard... until he went to Milwaukee and started playing more like Freddie Jackson.

We all think we could run an NBA team. And we all could run it better than McHale. The problem is that there are other MUCH MORE QUALIFIED candidates than Bill, guys who actually could put a decent team together, other than just following feelings about certain players and acting on "hunches". For every "trust me, Rajon Rondo, this kid is going to be something" there's the inevitable "Michael Olowokandi can still contribute, the trade for Mark Blount will pay dividends". When you're an NBA GM, you don't get to write a "my bad" column. You have to live with Marko Jaric for 5 years, because you are a loser.

He's been putting this out there for years... first it was the Bucks and now it's the Wolves. Dear god, I could not envision a situation in which the new GM was more hated than Deadzo. Congrats Bill, you just did it. Seriously, if they hired Isaiah fucking Thomas, I would at least laugh at the sideshow that was coming to town. With Bill, there will be no laughter. Only tears.

May 7, 2009

Man, rules

Now that I'm able to watch all of these games - thanks to someone jacking the ESPN feed and broadcasting it illegally on the world wide whatever - I can share some things I've noticed about the Cleveland Cavaliers.

1. LeBron is the best player in the NBA since Michael Jordan.

2. Perhaps I was wrong about Mike Brown... or maybe Atlanta is just that bad. Either way, I saw the Cavs running some pretty neat plays, getting guys open, and taking what the Hawks were giving them. Which wasn't very much, but still.

3. Atlanta would be a team that would be VERY easy to hate, if they were any good. Mike Bibby still likes to put on the piss-face, and Josh Smith is a whiny bitch who will stop to whiny bitch in the ear of an official instead of play defense. And then there's Zaza. GAME SEVEN, GAME SEVEN! He took a swing at KG last year, so that's cool, but his face, dear god, the face. It smells.

4. Joe Johnson has been diagnosed with a "severe ankle sprain". OH MY GOD THE CAVS WILL WIN THE REMAINING GAMES BY A COMBINED 100 POINTS. He is the only one capable of trying on the Hawks.

5. I really can't overstate how good the Cavs are... their game is so easy and free, yet they hardly ever show signs of being out of tune... contrast that with the Celts who just throw the ball around and eventually Ray falls away into a three or Eddie House makes one from his ass and it's PARTY TIME FOR KG! Of course the Cavs are playing some pretty dogshit teams, but they are absolutely destroying them, something neither the Celts nor the Lakers did last year. I don't even really know that the Cavs have a "homecourt advantage". They're good everywhere, and their fans aren't really that wild. I would say they are average. They don't know playoff basketball though... or at least they don't act like they do. Celtics fans pop nuts when Rondo makes a good pass to Fat Baby, but the Cavs hardly twitter unless LeBron is on a run-out. Wally makes a runner? Yawn. I'm just saying, they're so good they could win the championship this year even if they played in Minnesota.

6. I am really going to miss Ben Gordon in these playoffs, and next year when he signs with some dogshit team that overpays him and he misses the playoffs for the next 10 years. He grabbed his sack as he ran down the floor, right there, in prime time, on ABC. He grabbed it to show you how big it is. Sammy C did it, but not in front of the world. That was against the Clips.

7. Ron Artest became Ron Artest again last night, after he fouled Kobe he went after him like a complete nut trying to explain to Kobe that yes, indeed, it was Kobe who fouled him, not the other way around, and why aren't you listening and MOTHERFUCKER I WILL BLADE YOU IN THE STANDS. WATCH YOUR BACK WHEN YOU GET OUT THE SHOWER TONIGHT, SWEET PRINCE.

8. Violet Palmer is reffing this Cavs game. I don't possibly have anything productive to say about that, other than to ask: isn't the playoffs when you use your BEST refs? Because the only thing she's the best at is being the worst. Of ever.