October 26, 2005

Steve Kerr Is Stupid

I read a lot of sports related articles, especially when they involve basketball and the NBA. Sportsline, ESPN, HoopsHype, USAToday, you name it I've probably been there. I also enjoy the Fantasy NBA games as well, primarily Yahoo!, because it's easy and free. I also use Yahoo! as a sports resource (shit I'm there checking the waiver wire all the damn time anyways), so I usually read through all the NBA news when I'm there. Most of the writers for Yahoo! are okay, not great by any means, but there aren't many that are downright awful. And when I say awful, I mean 'I have really low standards so when it's awful, it's really really awful.' There's one that's beginning to edge that way though - or rather I'm starting to think is awful. It's Steve Kerr. Have you spent any time reading his columns? No? You should, then you'll know what I mean when I say 'Steve Kerr is stupid.' Do you watch soap operas? Lifetime? Wrestling? No? Why? I know why I don't watch them. I hate the over-the-top dramatics of it all. The situations that are portrayed in them are so over blown they become rediculous. 'I mean Sara's ex boyfriend is sleeping with her step mom's sister, who's also sleeping with Clara's dad, and they had a baby! Oh yeah, and they're stuck on an island.' Imagine this line except involving sports and you've got the makings of a great Steve Kerr column. His articles are always neck deep in the stupid drama of the NBA. It's like he's trying to find a compelling story, or rather forcing one to be compelling. KG in Minnesota, Eddie Curry's heart, Kwame/Kobe/Phil are the things he spends most of his time on.

'Time's ticking on KG.'
Really Steve? Hold on, let me ask my 5 yr old nephew about that. Hmmm, yep, he already knew that. He tries to build up this drama and then beats it into the ground, after every other media source has put it to rest.

'Isaiah will be in trouble if Curry can't play.'
No shit!? Man, I thought that it would be awesome for the Knicks to give 60 mil to a guy that can't even play! I figured that would really help Isaiah's career.

'Are Kwame/Kobe/Phil gonna help the Lakers win or sink?'
Wow. Geeze. Really? Steve, did you think that no one reading an NBA column didn't have that thought go through their head the second that circus started? I mean, it was a real informative article, with things like 'he's got a second chance to reinvent his career now that he's in Los Angeles, but did I mention he has to do it the lights of Hollywood?' So, wait, what is it that you're saying ?

Shut up Steve, just shut up.

Why can't we read what you know about the game of basketball? You were a smart player, who played with great players, on great teams. Why can't we hear about that? Why can't you compare what you know about Michael Jordan to some other player? I realize that this has also been overdone, but not by you. Not by someone who played with him. Tell me about the differences between MJ and Duncan. How similar are they? No, I don't mean the stuff we, the fans, can see. Tell me about locker room presence, their will to win. Tell us how fun it was to make three pointers to win championships. Tell us what it was like to play defense in the playoffs. Tell us about your experiences in the NBA. Hell, you could even relate them to the game today. If you did that then your column would have an identity instead of being the same as every other sports column that sucks. You were fun to watch play and I enjoy your in-game commentary because it's clear that you understand the game of basketball, but your column is awful and I wish you'd either stop writing it, or take my advice!

Note: I know that it's my fault for reading his column, therefore it's my fault I'm upset enough to write this blog, but somebody has to hear about it. I also realize that most should already know that Steve Kerr is stupid, but I feel it needed to be discussed again. Just incase you hadn't been reading his foder lately, I wanted you to know that it still sucks.

October 18, 2005

"Another fake thug"

Garnett said. "Chandler, I know he's a nice soft dude. ... All of a sudden, he's a gangster, he was talking reckless."

What has Tyson Chandler ever done to make him think he can talk shit to the man?

October 12, 2005

That Seems About Right

You can get a peek at the Wolves' new advertising campaign for this season by visiting this site.

The footage is exclusively KG. He's jogging along an empty beach in the first ad, and working out/blocking shots/getting ghetto/stuffing faces in the second one.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they don't try to sell this upcoming season by putting Wally, Troy, Eddie, Mad Dog, Rashad (jeez, this list can be depressing) and Ebi in the ad campaign. The team is about KG and KG alone. It's just sad that Deadzo couldn't get KG any help. Hell, middle of last season, I guarantee someone would've traded a first round pick for Spree. He was a hot commodity. Too bad we would've needed an animate, breathing GM to make that trade.

Oh well. It's pretty cool to watch God running on a beach at sun-up in Malibu.

You Gonna Win the Championship, errr?

So. Here were are. Less than a month away from opening night. Training camp is nearly complete, the preseason games being played, and we haven't even talked about whose gonna win the whole deal - or rather, who the Spurs will beat on the way to the title. So, here's one mans opinion on who's going to win, who's going to lose, and who's not even invited.

Eastern Conference

Let's start this off by mentioning the teams that will not make the playoffs this season. Charlotte, Atlanta, and Toronto have as much of a chance of making the playoffs as the Yankees do winning the World Series. I mean, the Hawks and Bobcats will be improved, but they're not even within sight of winning seasons yet, so we'll take them out of the equation. And Babcock and Mitchell are running the Raptors into the ground.

Next, lets take a look at the teams nearly guarenteed to make the post season. I know, this is dangerous, but hey, I picked the Wolves to challenge for a ring last year too, so I wasn't any more wrong than any of the experts. Miami, Detroit, and Indiana are pretty much in, even now, due to the excellence of their rosters and coaching staffs. All three were there last year and all three have improved over the offseason - except maybe Detroit, but that remains to be seen. After those three, Cleveland, Chicago, and Washington are the next three to get into the mix. Cleveland just missed last season and did a lot of reloading this offseason. Chicago hasn't gotten any worse than the team that made the playoffs last season. Washington got rid of the motor that made their team run(Hughes), their bum wheel(Brown), and a couple of roll players(Dixon and Blake), but got themselves some guys who may fill roles better - except for Larry Hughes, who was tough to lose.

Okay, so far the teams that are in the playoffs in the East are as follows:

Miami Heat, Detroit Pistons,Indiana Pacers, Cleveland Caveliers, Chicago Bulls, Washington Bullets - err, Wizards I mean.

I think the Heat are the favorites out east. They're also the biggest question mark. They've got the most talent, but that could prove to be disasterous if there aren't enough balls to go around - yeah, you heard me. Balls. The Central certainly looks like the strongest division out east this year but the Southwest is pretty good - at the top atleast. I'd leave the Atlantic out of it, but alas, they have to have one team in the playoffs - see National League West. So out of Boston, New Jersey, New York, and Phili (Raptor fans see above), someone will get a ticket to the dance. I really think this is up to two teams. New York would have fallen into my "teams not good enough to be considered" but their coach kept them off that list. I realize Boston won the division last year, but they're not better this year. Sure, they've got some new young guns, and some rookies from last season that will make a more significant impact this year, but there's something they just don't have: A point guard. So I would say the race is between New Jersey and Phili, and how well Phili runs this race rests soley in the ability of C-Webb and AI to play together - which of course is a huge question mark. So, really, this is the Nets deal to lose. They missed the boat on Shareef, but they'll have Vince, RJ, and Kidd back and completely healthy. I expect them to run away with this division, unless of course Larry Brown can reign in his band of idiots.

So, now that we're down to the last spot, the real questions start. Will Dwight Howard take his game up a notch and help carry the Magic into the playoffs? Will Andrew Bogut be as good as advertised? The answer to both of those questions is no. That last spot will be decided, again, in the Atlantic. Boston and Phili will battle eachother, and because I think Iverson and Webber will figure it out(or one will get hurt, allowing the other to carry the team) Phili's got my nod. Again, the Knicks could sneak in just based on the pedigree of their head coach, but presumably their GM will make a few more bonehead moves and give him a roster that couldn't win the Ivy League Championship.

So the playoffs in the Eastern Conferene should look like this:

1. Miami
2. Detroit
3. New Jersey
4. Indiana
5. Cleveland
6. Chicago
7. Washington
8. Philadelphia

We'll come back to this...

Western Conference

This, of course, is my favorite side to pick and choose on, what with my team in it. This season is a little more difficult for me, being as the Wolves have not vastly improved over the offseason, but here we are anyways.

So, the teams that won't make the playoffs. New Orleans, Portland, and Los Angeles - yes, the Clippers won't make the playoffs. New Orleans won't have any home games this season, Portland is too young and has no players that bring any kind of control to the court, and well, the Clippers are who they are. They're the Clippers.

Okay, automatics are next. San Antonio, Phoenix, Dallas, Sacramento, Houston, and Denver - as much as it kills me to say it - will all make the playoffs this season. The Spurs, Suns, and Nuggets will win their respective divisions, but Dallas and Sacramento will fight til the end. It seems like a stretch to guarentee six teams to make the playoffs before the season, but I'm firm in those teams being there in the end. That leaves only two spots for the remaining 5 teams to battle for. Memphis was in last season - barely - and Seattle won their division, so they could be considered the frontrunners. Of course, Utah is healthy and Golden State won 13 of their last 18 games after they traded for Baron Davis, so they could also be considered in the mix. The Wolves and Lakers both have pedigree and history, but neither team is any better this season than last, but both have new coaches and a few new faces, so they're kind of the wild cards.

Boy, so who do you pick? It's tough. I think a better question to ask is who don't you pick? That question isn't much easier. Seattle lost their head coach, top assistant, and best rebounder this offseason, while making no significant acquisitions. Memphis and Minnesota felt addition by subtraction was the way to go, and neither team made very significant moves. The Lakers brought back Phil, but didn't really improve the team. Utah has the same squad from last year, but they're healthy and they added a rookie point guard who will no doubt be the starter. Finally, Golden State is Golden State. They haven't won in a decade and their GM is the only remenance of those winning days. Now that I've bored you with all these questions, I'm just going to state it:

Seattle - They won't be there, they have no presence in the middle and their defense is a liability.

Memphis - I respect Jerry West as much as anybody does, but the squad he's got won't be any better than the Portland Trailblazers were last season.

Utah - They've got a great coach, two superstars(AK-47 and Boozer), decent role players, but a rookie point guard. I know, Dwayne Wade did it, but that's a lot of responsibility to shoulder. Deron will be good, but he won't be good enough - yet.

Los Angeles - They'll have a hard time winning more games this season than they did last year. Phil is probably good for an extra 10-15 wins, but Kwame Brown is good for 5-10 losses, so they're be at around .500 - assuming of course Phil and Kobe don't melt down.

Golden State - They're my surprise pick for this year. I know, they've been so bad for so long, but look what Baron Davis did for that team. If he can stay healthy, I think they'll do more than sneak into the post season.

Minnesota - I know, homer at it again. Always picking the Wolves to do something, but I've got some reasoning for this. The teams that were good last year are still there, except for Seattle. So that's one spot that opens up this year. The key is that the teams that were at the bottom last year haven't improved. Memphis and Los Angeles are no better than they were, and those were the two teams - we won't count the Clippers - that the Wolves were battling down the stretch.

So, the West will looks like this:

1. San Antonio
2. Phoenix
3. Denver
4. Dallas
5. Houston
6. Sacramento
7. Golden State
8. Minnesota

Alright, well let's take a look at the 2005-06 Playoffs

First Round

Miami takes care of Phili
Indiana dispatched Cleveland in their first playoff trip
Chicago dumps the Nets
Detroit makes Washington look bad

San Antonio over the Wolves
Dallas beats Houston in The Battle of Texas, Round 1
Sacramento makes Denver cry on their plane ride home
Phoenix overwhelms Golden State, but not any worse than Memphis last year

Conference Semis

Miami overcomes Indiana in a great series decided by Shaq
Chicago forces a game 7, but Detroit's saavy push them through

San Antonio has trouble in game one, but kicks Dallas in the teeth and wins the series
Sacramento wins the "who's going to score more points race" with Peja finally getting it done in the post season

Conference Finals

Miami gets revenge for last season, but Detroit doesn't make it easy

San Antonio whips a worn out Sacramento team like the red headed stepchild they are

NBA Finals

San Antonio has too many weapons for Miami to contend with and the Spurs win title, needing 6 games to do so.

So there you have it. I know I don't take any big risks, but seriously, I'm not stupid. The Spurs are the defending champs, and clearly the team to beat. You can make an argument for Miami, but they'll implode, and I actually think I'm wrong in taking them as far as I do, but they're damn good. Tim Duncan leads his team like Tom Brady leads the Pats, and the comparisons don't end there 'tween those two teams - but we're not talking about that right now.

October 4, 2005

Pranksters, Storybook Gangsters, Busters... But This Time You're Dealing With Some Real Motherfuckers

Man, Eazy E. I'm just sayin'.

So the Wolves held Media Day yesterday. In addition to giving out candy and fun prizes (first one to throw the football through the swinging tire gets a 50% off coupon at Dairy Queen!), they also had time to interview Jesus Harold Christ himself.

Here is a guide to decipher what was actually meant by his statements:

When Kevin Garnett said:

"Last year was last year. We have a lot to prove. ... If you sense a little bit of a chip on my shoulder, it is. Because last year wasn't really pleasant."

He actually meant:

"This team sucked last year. For the first time in my life, I was not having fun playing basketball. I used to think it was fun - back when I was a youngster in the SC - to ball by myself. It would be pretty cool, out there in the middle of the night, the clang of the chain net, the incessant bouncing of the rock, me envisioning myself dunking on a stupid-looking pants-wetter. But you know what? In the NBA, I need help. I need 4 guys with me on the floor who want to play basketball. I didn't have
that last year."

When Kevin Garnett said:

"I'm trying to know him (Dwane Casey) as much as he's trying to know me."

He actually meant:

"Until I see him face down in a pile of coke, with his M4 off safety and gold chains gleaming in the track-lighting, he ain't Flip."

When Kevin Garnett said:

"I felt like people didn't really look at themselves in the mirror. It's a new year. A new day. Happy to be back in the gym and get after it."

He actually meant:

"Despite the fact that our team is severely lacking in gangsters, I still enjoy playing basketball. Yes, we'll all miss Spree telling the woman in Los Angeles to suck his dick, and we'll miss Sam showing us not only how big they are but how much they bounce, but I still love this game."

When Kevin Garnett said:

"It was hard. Very hard. But, what's new around here? Other than these teammates. That's to be expected from Kevin. ... Whether you want to put faith in them or not, they do what they do and they do what they want to do. It's not my team. Glen Taylor, he and Kevin McHale try to put together a plan and I guess for whatever reason try to enforce it. But I don't think I'm the person to ask."

He actually meant:

"I don't have any control over what Deadzo does. I heard he was just trying to make a deal to bring Laettner back. Just yesterday, he called up Stern to see if he could participate in a supplemental draft for the lot boy at the Hard Rock. I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand how to properly tie his shoes or button his pants anymore. Of course, what would you expect? He's deceased. And the walking dead rarely make good moves in the NBA (see Auerbach, Red, for exceptions)."

When Kevin Garnett said:

"I wasn't going to feed into what you guys wanted me to say. I'm not a puppet. My leg wasn't hurting, it wasn't hurting. If it was bothering me, it was bothering me. But what difference does it make, as long as I perform?"

He actually meant:

What the fuck you talkin' about? "Who you be?" nigga what!
If a hater wanna hate then a hater gettin' bust
We ain't hard to find nigga so why ya steadily talkin' shit
I'm fixin' to sick my dogs ho
Pussy nigga, get big nigga ho

Run around the motherfuckin club.

Best believe me."

P.S. Maybe the StarTribune should take this picture down from their website:

Because Sam and Spree don't live here anymore.