February 1, 2006

God Damn I'm Glad Y'all Set It Off, Used To Be Hard, Now You're Just Wet And Soft....

That's the best dis song ever. "I couldn't stop you from gettin ganked/Now let's play big bank take little bank"

You can find an absolutely HILARIOUS interview at Hoopshype.com with Michael Olowokandi about his recent trade and his future. Apologies to HH, but I'm going to be copying a great deal of that interview in this post, because this just plain BEGS to be addressed.

I would imagine that you would eventually want to be a starter for this team.

MO: Oh, yeah. I know I can play. It’s just a matter of being given an opportunity. When I was with the Clippers, I was in a situation that was very different than advertised. With the Wolves, I was told what my role would be and then, when I got there, there was some disparity. So I’m looking forward to being on a team where I’m needed.

HA HA HA!!!! Excuse me?!?!?! #1, what does "disparity" mean? You're talking about Flip Saunders and Dwane Casey (the only two coaches of the past 3 years, understand?), who are two men who never in their life have fucked around and not told you what your role is. Is it too tough to figure out? Your role is to rebound and play defense. It's to never ever ever ever ever shoot your stupid jump hook or get screened by a point guard and look lost on defense. I remember a few guys saying last season that they didn't quite know what their role was, and it was legitimate. Guys like Troy and Trenton, even Wally, I'm sure they were getting mixed messages. But I can't ever see that happening with Kandi. His role had to be the most defined on the team.

Oh, and he's NEEDED on the Celtics? Wow, they are in a lot more trouble than I thought.

Of all the players involved in the Boston-Minnesota trade, was there a more delighted player about being moved than you?

MO: You’re right. I’m very happy I got traded. Back in Minnesota, I think I’d come in each season and have a good, strong start, only to, I guess, be involved in politics. So I’m definitely happy to be out of there.

A. GOOD. STRONG. START. That's how Mike describes his tenure with the Wolves. I'm speechless. And then, allegedly, he gets involved in "politics". Which means what, exactly? Casey's not playing you because of you voted differently than him? You two have differing opinions on the direction of the team? Mike, you are the stupidest player to ever play for the Wolves and that includes a dude who SMOKED GODDAMNED WEED OUT OF A POP CAN IN THE BACKSEAT OF HIS CAR, so I don't see how "politics" impacts your season at all.

Now, let me pause here. I just realized that the casual reader might take my tone to mean that I am upset with Kandi for saying these things after he left. That is absolutely not the case. Let me state unconditionally that I am "definitely happy" to have Kandi out of here. In fact, I would say I'm happier than anyone in the United States to see him gone. And his comments are incredibly funny to me.... I mean this is a very unique situation: a player who came to a team and never contributed anything at all, who was injured frequently, and never tried his hardest, who always looked for only his stats and never played well when it mattered, and he is now complaining that "it was just a bad situation" and that he's "looking forward to a new team". Let's not forget that he played with Kevin Garnett. If you can't get along well with him, go die.

You mentioned your role in Minnesota was different than what you told it would be after you signed with them as a free agent. How was it different?

MO: I was there two and a halt seasons and, if anything, I should express gratitude. But my role was different than what I would have liked it to have been. I still tried my best by rebounding and playing defense. But I’m not an outside player. Every time I played against the bigger teams like San Antonio I thought I did a pretty solid job on Tim Duncan and did the things they wanted me to do. But, obviously, things didn’t work out.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. A bigger lie has never been told. Hang on, here's another one:

Not to belabor the point, but how did Timbewolves officials renege on the promises they made to you as a free agent?

MO: We talked and I expressed the fact that I saw the player they had before, Rasho Nesterovic, who went to the Spurs, and they didn’t really utilize him. I knew Rasho back in Europe, where he had a pretty good career. He was a very good, low-post player there. And I told them that I felt he was often overlooked and I expressed that concern about that happening to me. And they told me that I would be playing more in the post. But that didn’t happen. I was always on the weak side.

HA HA HA!!!! "They told me that I would be playing more in the post. But that didn't happen. I was always on the weak side." I can guarantee that 100% of the players and personnel involved with the Timberwolves would have liked to see Michael Olowokandi work more in the post. The problem was that he just couldn't stop hoisting up retardo hook shots from 15 feet.

You were once the No. 1 overall pick in the draft and thus a lot of lofty expectations were placed upon you. But in seven seasons, you have averaged double figures in scoring twice. How would you summarize your career?

MO: I think I had to contend with a number of things. Perhaps if my stay with the Clippers had been longer, it would have been smoother. And, then when I went to Minnesota, hindsight, as they say, is 20-20. If I could have done it differently and gone somewhere else, perhaps things would have worked out differently. But it isn’t about how you start something; it’s about how you end things. So that’s what I’m looking forward to. I see this as year one. I think this is a massive restructure for the teams and it’s a massive restructure for myself also.

Lewis Black once did a bit that said "You don't even need a punchline at all. Just say "Michael Jackson". If you forget the joke, just say "Michael Jackson" and you'll get a laugh. The man is a walking joke." That's how I feel about this last comment. I could attempt to make a joke or some sort of reaction, but it's better to just leave it there, standing for the whole world to see. Amazing.

And to Kandi, here's something from Cube:

"With no vaseline,
Just a match and a little bit of gasoline.
Light em up, burn em up, flame on,
Til that jheri curl is gone..."

1 comment:

Dave Snizewski said...

What Kandi doesn't realize is that just because he doesn't know where he should be, that doesn't mean the coaching staff "under utilized" him. It means he's too stupid to play basketball. And Rasho? We tried to play him in the post, but he's not a post player, he's a finesse guy. And really, if you're comparing the NBA to the European game, it's clear you don't know shit. They're two different games. But of course, Mike just sees balls and assumes they're for the same thing.