I'm going to need a little Slick Rick and a whole lot of Gentleman J-Bomb to get me through another season of this garbage. I have completely lost my love of the NBA as an institution, barely hanging on to a slight enjoyment of even PLAYING basketball at this point. THANKS GLEN! I think it's the incompetence that was building my dislike of the Association, like some festering sore, a blooming stink-plant. And then of course it was Deadzo's Big Decision that iced it, it was like cutting the power on a small town... I wandered out into the dark streets and realized it was all just a lie, all of this light. I looked to the skies and saw all I needed to get by. Gone was the illusion, here forevermore was The Truth. The simple facts that the NBA was being run by men barely competent enough to pee into a urinal, let alone guide a franchise towards any sort of sustained success. Simmons has the pizza analogy (the idea that running a successful NBA franchise is like making a frozen pizza, a fairly simple concept, and yet most GMs just can't wait for the pizza to be done, so they pull it out while it's still cold, or they pull it out and eat it right away, not letting it cool properly, and they burn their mouth. Despite everyone telling them to simply be patient, add the cheese at this time, take it out and set it to cool, then slice it, then serve it, they all inevitably rush into stupidness and ruin a simple procedure), but I'll go one better. Most NBA GMs could fuck up a glass of ice water with ice. Their shit would come out Kool Aid.
Anyway, that's pretty much what did it for me. To this day I have still heard no justification that would ever make me think that trading KG was not a horribly stupid move. I'm still open to that discussion. But my emotion runs strong... I have inner dialogue on it, and you will never understand what I say to myself when the lights are out. Everyone seems to have accepted it, some sort of twisted Minnesotan version of passive anger, watching another star leave amidst lies and dumbness, and we go to preseason games to cheer Corey Brewer because he's like, good enough to be the 8th man, or something. It's all just a joke anyway. Before I watch a Wolves game, I'm checking to see if the Wild are on. Yeah. That's goddamned pathetic, I know. But there you are.
Still though, even a child could come in with observations for this year, and that's what I aim to do, soldier:
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The Oklahoma Supersonics (we won't be referring to them by any other name this year) Are Dogshit Terrible, Like The Bobcats, But Unlike The Bobcats, They Have A Coach Who Is Both Good At Choking AND At Getting Choked
Does anyone see any hope for this wayward franchise? Are they trying to syphon thunder (ughhhhhhhhhhhhh) off of the Texas Triangle? Hey, Kevin Durant is a good scorer, except sometimes he goes 3-20, and that's when you think about stealing that franchise in the first place.
Improvement In The East, Except Not
Does adding AI put Detroit into the mix? Does Brand make the Sixers a contender? Do the Cavs have what it takes? Let me tell you something, when opposing teams go up against the Boston Celtics, they all seem to forget that the Celtics are run by a coach who puts on his shoes backwards in the morning. Yet somehow, every single team seems to play scared, and the Celtics run roughshod over all of them. Part of it is ghetto ball, and I of course give props to guys like Rondo for that, for he is a man who Knows No Set Plays. Which makes him perfect for Doc, because Doc can't call his voicemail, let alone a play. All of these developments in the East aren't going to matter until a team can go into the Fleet Bank Wachovia West America Bank Arena formerly known as The Garden and actually COMPETE with the Celtics. Until then, I see nothing in the way of a repeat.
Meanwhile In The West, Basketball Is Still Played Consistently Good
I'd be lying if I could tell you what to expect out of the West this year... the Spurs just had to go to double OT to take out the Lady Gophers, the Lakers look as tough as they ever had, and the Hornets came damn close to doing it last year. The Lesser Teams on the west coast have all gotten more ghetto, and the Rockets are supposedly all that. Then the Nugs go out and have themselves some, but they're still coached by Ronnie Roundbelly, so I wouldn't count on anything to develop there. Each team has a few flaws, but the level of play is pretty high, and there is quite a lot of proven talent out there. Which leads me to...
I Turned Down Free Timberwolves Tickets So I Could Go Home And Watch "Mannequin"
I look at this team, and honestly, I think they're worse than last year. At least last year, there were a bunch of hungry guys competing for playing time and a paycheck. So now they've jettisoned the extra pieces, and now everyone knows they're getting their touches, and there is NO REASON TO TRY AT ALL. The defense is a terrible joke, the kind that is told in mixed company, ends in a racial slur and uncomfortable silence. The coach is the worst coach in NBA history, just consult his record for confirmation of that. Sure, there's presence inside. But the draft was fucked up worse than a spilled cup of Maxwell House. And the wing players are only good at one element of the game, and deficient in all others. I'm not kidding about "Mannequin" either. It's got Andrew McCarthy in it. And I watched it rather than go to a Wolves game for free. And I was downtown at the time.
Stephon Marbury
I figure we should at least end this with a smile.
Showing posts with label KG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label KG. Show all posts
May 1, 2008
Werewolf Bar Mitzvah - Spooky Scary
We're neck-deep into the grand spectacle that is the NBA playoffs, and I have seen a few things that need attention. I don't know where I get off in writing this stuff, seeing as I'm more concerned in getting that Nova off the blocks in my front yard, but let's take a stab.
(it's going to be mostly Ice Cube lyrics... like always)
1. "Now clearin' em out meant casualties / Still had the LA mentality"
Goodbye you drunk-driving, delinquent fuck! You moody, mouthy, overpaid, overrated scorer! This is what happens when everyone on your team hates their teammates. This is what happens when your coach not only doesn't believe in team chemistry, but openly praises animosity between players. This is what happens when you acquire a shoot-first point guard to go with a shoot-first point forward. And mostly, this is what happens when you play in Denver.
Man, ever since Francisco Elson and Marcus Camby opened their mouths while getting whitewashed by the Wolves in 04, I haven't been able to stop hating the Nuggets. They could play the Boston Red Sox in a 7 game series, and I would be up front with Big B on my hat. Luckily, every year I get to see them disappear.
On the other side of that coin is the Lakers, a legitimate team in this year's hunt for the crown. I will stop right here and explain that anybody who claims that the Spurs, Lakers, Celtics, Hornets or Jazz have any better chance than the rest of them to win the title doesn't really know what they're talking about. It's literally a crapshoot this year, and it's going to be entertaining as hell to watch. But if you ask me who is coming out of the west, my money stays in my pocket.
2. "Fresh outta school cause I was a high school grad, gotsta get a job cause I was a high school dad."
As if this could go to anyone but LeBron.
When he has the ball, good things happen. I think he can jump 6 feet in the air. His team is so utterly garbage around him though. Seriously, look at that roster: Ben Wallace? Joe Smith? Wally World? What, Cherokee Parks had a no-trade clause? Marc Jackson wouldn't sign for the midlevel? Will Avery failed a physical? Jesus.
I don't know much about Cleveland, except that Washington and them don't get along, so I find it funny that they meet every year in the playoffs... to put on my Simmons hat for a moment here, I'm really digging the "new" rivalries that are being established in the NBA these days, it reminds me of the old times when the Bulls hated the Knicks, the Lakers hated the Celtics, and the Pistons hated everyone. Now we've got CLE/WAS, PHO/SAS, and of course don't forget about New York and New Jersey, two teams fighting to prove who is the most pathetically run.
Can Cleveland beat Boston? Christ, it's the east. Stranger things have happened.
Speaking of...
3. "Hey! Yeah you, motherfucker, you know who I'm talkin to. Yeah, you that motherfucker that betrayed your homeboys and you ain't shit. Yeah, you 'bout to get your motherfuckin ghetto pass revoked, motherfucker."
To KG.
Look, I won't say much, but I'm pretty sure that I would characterize this stage of our break-up as the "anger" portion. I'm to the point now where seeing his intensity just makes me queasy, and the energy from the fake fans and the Johnny-Come-Latelys (which we should really just rename "Boston Basketball Fans") and all the adulation is fucking tiresome. I see holes in his game like I used to see here, I hear the same criticisms, and now I just want to be shut of it. Why oh why couldn't they have just traded him to Milwaukee? Just dump him in some trash market with no exposure. Just go away, KG, seriously. I'm so fucking over it.
Now then, Boston...
The fact that they lost two games to an Atlanta team that was THIRTY SEVEN AND FORTY FIVE during the regular season speaks in airliner-level decibels to the fact that they have the poorest coach of teams considered to have a chance at winning the championship. You think Flip doesn't want these guys when Detroit is in one of their "we care now" cycles? You think Popp is going to dictate the pace AND tempo of the entire series, should they make it that far? And Phil? Oh my dear god. We would not have seen such a disparity in coaching since that one time Mike Tice went up against Bill Parcells. Seriously, there's nothing I'm waiting for more than the Celtics to run up against a properly coached team that actually has talent. That's all I'm saying.
And I know that I'm a pompous fuck for wishing them harm and saying all that stuff about KG. But that's what's happening right now. I'm sorry.
4. "God damn! The bigger the cap, the bigger the peeling. And when dealing with the Lench Mob, you gots to know that Steady Mobbin is not just the name of this jam, but a way of life. Bound together by motherfuckers that's known to break em off somethin, give it to me..."
We don't have a Ghetto State in this year's playoffs, but we do have ghetto, and they're repping ATL. Does Joe Johnson care? Zaza, do you think you could fight KG and win? (closed circuit to Zaza: YOU COULD. KG is notoriously soft when it comes to fights... see Peeler, Anthony) Al Horford, do you sometimes dunk and then scream at the other team the whole way down the floor? Oh, and did anybody tell you that you LOST 8 MORE GAMES THAN YOU WON THIS SEASON?
No? Cool.
The series is over (again, unless Doc gets in the way), but it was fun to watch. I love ghetto ball.
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Well, that about does it. The second round should be one of the hottest in recent memory. Out west, you'll have nothing but contenders (assuming Houston pulls a Houston) and in the east, you'll at least have less games to watch. I'm looking forward to watching this one as a fan (read: NOT BETTING). Enjoy.
(it's going to be mostly Ice Cube lyrics... like always)
1. "Now clearin' em out meant casualties / Still had the LA mentality"
Goodbye you drunk-driving, delinquent fuck! You moody, mouthy, overpaid, overrated scorer! This is what happens when everyone on your team hates their teammates. This is what happens when your coach not only doesn't believe in team chemistry, but openly praises animosity between players. This is what happens when you acquire a shoot-first point guard to go with a shoot-first point forward. And mostly, this is what happens when you play in Denver.
Man, ever since Francisco Elson and Marcus Camby opened their mouths while getting whitewashed by the Wolves in 04, I haven't been able to stop hating the Nuggets. They could play the Boston Red Sox in a 7 game series, and I would be up front with Big B on my hat. Luckily, every year I get to see them disappear.
On the other side of that coin is the Lakers, a legitimate team in this year's hunt for the crown. I will stop right here and explain that anybody who claims that the Spurs, Lakers, Celtics, Hornets or Jazz have any better chance than the rest of them to win the title doesn't really know what they're talking about. It's literally a crapshoot this year, and it's going to be entertaining as hell to watch. But if you ask me who is coming out of the west, my money stays in my pocket.
2. "Fresh outta school cause I was a high school grad, gotsta get a job cause I was a high school dad."
As if this could go to anyone but LeBron.
When he has the ball, good things happen. I think he can jump 6 feet in the air. His team is so utterly garbage around him though. Seriously, look at that roster: Ben Wallace? Joe Smith? Wally World? What, Cherokee Parks had a no-trade clause? Marc Jackson wouldn't sign for the midlevel? Will Avery failed a physical? Jesus.
I don't know much about Cleveland, except that Washington and them don't get along, so I find it funny that they meet every year in the playoffs... to put on my Simmons hat for a moment here, I'm really digging the "new" rivalries that are being established in the NBA these days, it reminds me of the old times when the Bulls hated the Knicks, the Lakers hated the Celtics, and the Pistons hated everyone. Now we've got CLE/WAS, PHO/SAS, and of course don't forget about New York and New Jersey, two teams fighting to prove who is the most pathetically run.
Can Cleveland beat Boston? Christ, it's the east. Stranger things have happened.
Speaking of...
3. "Hey! Yeah you, motherfucker, you know who I'm talkin to. Yeah, you that motherfucker that betrayed your homeboys and you ain't shit. Yeah, you 'bout to get your motherfuckin ghetto pass revoked, motherfucker."
To KG.
Look, I won't say much, but I'm pretty sure that I would characterize this stage of our break-up as the "anger" portion. I'm to the point now where seeing his intensity just makes me queasy, and the energy from the fake fans and the Johnny-Come-Latelys (which we should really just rename "Boston Basketball Fans") and all the adulation is fucking tiresome. I see holes in his game like I used to see here, I hear the same criticisms, and now I just want to be shut of it. Why oh why couldn't they have just traded him to Milwaukee? Just dump him in some trash market with no exposure. Just go away, KG, seriously. I'm so fucking over it.
Now then, Boston...
The fact that they lost two games to an Atlanta team that was THIRTY SEVEN AND FORTY FIVE during the regular season speaks in airliner-level decibels to the fact that they have the poorest coach of teams considered to have a chance at winning the championship. You think Flip doesn't want these guys when Detroit is in one of their "we care now" cycles? You think Popp is going to dictate the pace AND tempo of the entire series, should they make it that far? And Phil? Oh my dear god. We would not have seen such a disparity in coaching since that one time Mike Tice went up against Bill Parcells. Seriously, there's nothing I'm waiting for more than the Celtics to run up against a properly coached team that actually has talent. That's all I'm saying.
And I know that I'm a pompous fuck for wishing them harm and saying all that stuff about KG. But that's what's happening right now. I'm sorry.
4. "God damn! The bigger the cap, the bigger the peeling. And when dealing with the Lench Mob, you gots to know that Steady Mobbin is not just the name of this jam, but a way of life. Bound together by motherfuckers that's known to break em off somethin, give it to me..."
We don't have a Ghetto State in this year's playoffs, but we do have ghetto, and they're repping ATL. Does Joe Johnson care? Zaza, do you think you could fight KG and win? (closed circuit to Zaza: YOU COULD. KG is notoriously soft when it comes to fights... see Peeler, Anthony) Al Horford, do you sometimes dunk and then scream at the other team the whole way down the floor? Oh, and did anybody tell you that you LOST 8 MORE GAMES THAN YOU WON THIS SEASON?
No? Cool.
The series is over (again, unless Doc gets in the way), but it was fun to watch. I love ghetto ball.
-----------------------------------------------------
Well, that about does it. The second round should be one of the hottest in recent memory. Out west, you'll have nothing but contenders (assuming Houston pulls a Houston) and in the east, you'll at least have less games to watch. I'm looking forward to watching this one as a fan (read: NOT BETTING). Enjoy.
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