I'm going to need a little Slick Rick and a whole lot of Gentleman J-Bomb to get me through another season of this garbage. I have completely lost my love of the NBA as an institution, barely hanging on to a slight enjoyment of even PLAYING basketball at this point. THANKS GLEN! I think it's the incompetence that was building my dislike of the Association, like some festering sore, a blooming stink-plant. And then of course it was Deadzo's Big Decision that iced it, it was like cutting the power on a small town... I wandered out into the dark streets and realized it was all just a lie, all of this light. I looked to the skies and saw all I needed to get by. Gone was the illusion, here forevermore was The Truth. The simple facts that the NBA was being run by men barely competent enough to pee into a urinal, let alone guide a franchise towards any sort of sustained success. Simmons has the pizza analogy (the idea that running a successful NBA franchise is like making a frozen pizza, a fairly simple concept, and yet most GMs just can't wait for the pizza to be done, so they pull it out while it's still cold, or they pull it out and eat it right away, not letting it cool properly, and they burn their mouth. Despite everyone telling them to simply be patient, add the cheese at this time, take it out and set it to cool, then slice it, then serve it, they all inevitably rush into stupidness and ruin a simple procedure), but I'll go one better. Most NBA GMs could fuck up a glass of ice water with ice. Their shit would come out Kool Aid.
Anyway, that's pretty much what did it for me. To this day I have still heard no justification that would ever make me think that trading KG was not a horribly stupid move. I'm still open to that discussion. But my emotion runs strong... I have inner dialogue on it, and you will never understand what I say to myself when the lights are out. Everyone seems to have accepted it, some sort of twisted Minnesotan version of passive anger, watching another star leave amidst lies and dumbness, and we go to preseason games to cheer Corey Brewer because he's like, good enough to be the 8th man, or something. It's all just a joke anyway. Before I watch a Wolves game, I'm checking to see if the Wild are on. Yeah. That's goddamned pathetic, I know. But there you are.
Still though, even a child could come in with observations for this year, and that's what I aim to do, soldier:
The Oklahoma Supersonics (we won't be referring to them by any other name this year) Are Dogshit Terrible, Like The Bobcats, But Unlike The Bobcats, They Have A Coach Who Is Both Good At Choking AND At Getting Choked
Does anyone see any hope for this wayward franchise? Are they trying to syphon thunder (ughhhhhhhhhhhhh) off of the Texas Triangle? Hey, Kevin Durant is a good scorer, except sometimes he goes 3-20, and that's when you think about stealing that franchise in the first place.
Improvement In The East, Except Not
Does adding AI put Detroit into the mix? Does Brand make the Sixers a contender? Do the Cavs have what it takes? Let me tell you something, when opposing teams go up against the Boston Celtics, they all seem to forget that the Celtics are run by a coach who puts on his shoes backwards in the morning. Yet somehow, every single team seems to play scared, and the Celtics run roughshod over all of them. Part of it is ghetto ball, and I of course give props to guys like Rondo for that, for he is a man who Knows No Set Plays. Which makes him perfect for Doc, because Doc can't call his voicemail, let alone a play. All of these developments in the East aren't going to matter until a team can go into the Fleet Bank Wachovia West America Bank Arena formerly known as The Garden and actually COMPETE with the Celtics. Until then, I see nothing in the way of a repeat.
Meanwhile In The West, Basketball Is Still Played Consistently Good
I'd be lying if I could tell you what to expect out of the West this year... the Spurs just had to go to double OT to take out the Lady Gophers, the Lakers look as tough as they ever had, and the Hornets came damn close to doing it last year. The Lesser Teams on the west coast have all gotten more ghetto, and the Rockets are supposedly all that. Then the Nugs go out and have themselves some, but they're still coached by Ronnie Roundbelly, so I wouldn't count on anything to develop there. Each team has a few flaws, but the level of play is pretty high, and there is quite a lot of proven talent out there. Which leads me to...
I Turned Down Free Timberwolves Tickets So I Could Go Home And Watch "Mannequin"
I look at this team, and honestly, I think they're worse than last year. At least last year, there were a bunch of hungry guys competing for playing time and a paycheck. So now they've jettisoned the extra pieces, and now everyone knows they're getting their touches, and there is NO REASON TO TRY AT ALL. The defense is a terrible joke, the kind that is told in mixed company, ends in a racial slur and uncomfortable silence. The coach is the worst coach in NBA history, just consult his record for confirmation of that. Sure, there's presence inside. But the draft was fucked up worse than a spilled cup of Maxwell House. And the wing players are only good at one element of the game, and deficient in all others. I'm not kidding about "Mannequin" either. It's got Andrew McCarthy in it. And I watched it rather than go to a Wolves game for free. And I was downtown at the time.
I figure we should at least end this with a smile.