This is not a common occurrence, but maybe it happened to you. You’re living in an apartment building. Nothing fancy, but it’s not bad. Seemingly out of nowhere, one day you receive a letter from the company that owns the building. It describes “exciting opportunities” and a “chance of a lifetime.” What they’re really doing is asking for more money. BUY the apartment you’re renting from us for an insane price. This way, we won’t have to fix anything in your shack, and we have more money than the actual value.
I’ve received a letter such as that, and it came to mind reading a letter written by U of Minnesota athletic director Joel Maturi. Cryptically dated “August 2010,” Joel included this letter with the season tickets for men’s basketball. I will now translate the letter, with statements in each paragraph.
“I’m asking for your continued support as we make some changes to our Preferred Seating program.”
You see, it’s not enough to just have season tickets, nor is it enough to hold them for a long time. As a matter of disclosure (and the reason for my receiving a copy of the letter) is that Gophers Men’s Basketball tickets have been in my family for 5 decades, entering the 6th. With such longevity, you get to know the other ticket holders, and see them go through life. The guy that sat behind us came to my graduation party with his new family. The couple to our left came to visit while I was in town this summer. When the U updated Williams Arena, we moved 3 rows closer to the court. The guy behind us was sent back about 15 rows. He’d only held tickets since the late 70s: not enough to make Joel’s Preferred Seating program. Tell us, Joel, what are the changes?
“Prior to the 2012-2013 season we will be expanding the existing Preferred Seating program and use Gopher Points to re-allocate season ticket locations in Williams Arena.”
Translation: You were getting a free ride with simply BUYING season tickets. That’s simply not enough.
That sentence is enough to make anyone anxious.
“The system (Gopher Points) combines a number of factors to rank each season ticket holder, including ticket history, donations to athletics, donations to the University, and being a graduate of the University.”
Translation: We’re ranking ticket holders by their extra donations.
When we received the surprising seating upgrade from the U, a donation was sent to the “Williams Fund,” which, we found out, was used to pay teachers to write term papers for the players.
“Donations from Preferred Seating assist us in paying our annual scholarship bill of $9 million for our student-athletes, as well as making facility improvements.”
Translation: It’s not enough to just be a public university. To free us of managing our department with any care or reason, the influx of cash will cover any mistakes, such as hiring incompetent coaches, overpaying them, and doing so while interest fades.
So, is Joel going to admit that? No, he’ll just repeat the same poop falling out of his mouth.
“First, these changes will provide increased donations to meet the on-going financial challenges we face. Second, while asking many of you to make a donation in addition to the coast of the season ticket is never easy, expanding the Preferred Seating program is the best way to meet our ever increasing financial challenges, making facility upgrades, and improve the fan experience.”
Translation: I’ve repeated myself because I can’t admit the truth.
The price of tickets is NOT a donation to the school. Got it?
“Please know the decision to re-seat Williams Arena was made only after serious assessment of financial trends, research of peer institutions, and discussions with season ticket holders and University leaders.”
Translation: We asked our largest donators (most of whom hold us in their pocket) and they’re fine with this.
How much would you like to wager they hardly asked ANY season ticket holders? Wait, my seats could be moved? Why? Hello? Hmm, must have hung up.
“We are sensitive to the fact that changes of this magnitude will affect many of our loyal supporters, and that this is certainly an emotional issue.”
Translation: We know you’re pissed. And…yeah.
“We welcome your comments and questions to-“
Translation: You’ll speak to a student who doesn’t really know what’s going on.
And, as you’d expect, that first call went nowhere. During the Gopher Football “open house,” my Ma cornered Joel and politely told him of the B.S. in this letter. As Joel stammered, who came to his rescue? Harvey Mackay! Wait, Trip, is it that Harvey? Why is Harvey even allowed on school grounds? They must have brushed all that under the TCF Stadium rug.
As she spoke to another school official later that afternoon, this person shared little insight. Who came to this guy’s defense? Harvey, of course, spouting the same bunk in Joel’s letter. So, a call the next day to this hotline found an accidentally honest student. “You’ve had tickets for 60 years? You don’t need to make a donation. Who told you that?”
I don’t profess to have the answers on how to run a big-time athletic department, but it’s entertaining to watch from afar how Joel continues to take one step forward, one step back. Maybe that’s his plan: that way, there’s always the need for increased donations and those beloved Gopher Points.
Showing posts with label gophers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gophers. Show all posts
September 16, 2010
March 12, 2009
I'm Looking In My Mirror So I Can See Who Can See Me
In basketball, especially in the NCAA, the unexpected is usually to be expected. It's the reason the tournament is so magnetic - that idea that anything can happen and usually does. Look at last year in particular. Did the Jayhawks deserve to win the title? Absolutely not. They should've lost twice in the Final Four. If Memphis spent as much time practicing free throws and how to close out a game as they did alley-ooping to each other and not going to class, they would've walked.
So it's with that understanding that I'm pulling for the Gophers almost as much as I am with any team in my life, and it makes no goddamn sense at all.
Let's do a little run-down. I invest a certain amount of energy and time into each team I follow hoping to profit either by:
1. Running to the refrigerator and beating it senseless when AJ jacks a 3 run dong in the 8th inning in Oakland (this would be filed under "emotional profit")
2. Making money on Niagra, because I ran both the Plats AND the Lats.
So, that being said, I invest an inordinate amount of energy in the Twins. I know this isn't the space to go into that, but it's true. I listen to or watch nearly every game during the summer, constantly keep tabs on stats and movements. That, in turn, keeps me very knowledgeable about MLB in general, and I sometimes (it's rare) get invested in other teams and am happy to see them succeed (I was particularly happy about Philadelphia, because I thought they were the best team for most of the season, and because, hey, it's Philly). THE POINT, JACK, is that when Denard Span hit that fucking triple down the line against the Sox in the Dome, and Gomez flew around the bases (scoring from first before the ball was in the infield), I about popped my ass through my britches. Loud screams were heard throughout my neighborhood. I live for these moments. They are the only reason I put in this much time. And when the time comes, and they hoist that banner, and Joe and Justin stand up front with Gardy to accept that trophy and Pat Neshek rides in a fucking parade, I will be happier than I would if I were ever to have a child. Truth hurts.
The Pack have a special place in my heart, for sure, and rooting for them in this environment just constantly reminds me how much better my life has turned out than those around me. "Oh, you've got that house in Wright County? Interesting, hey how are the Purple this year?" The thing about the Pack is that I am the biggest fair-weather fan out there though... when they are going good I'm up on them every week, listening to every interview and digging in on Sunday. This year? I sometimes just sat and listened to Neil Diamond records rather than watch their games. Often, I didn't even know if they were playing or not. I am able to turn it off extremely quickly. If only Vikings fans could share that ability. Maybe "mouths closed" would be a good policy.
(there is no professional basketball team that plays in this state, so I won't be talking about that)
That brings us to Gopher Basketball. You have to understand something... I have been on an absolute rollercoaster with this team over the past 15 years. The year before I was starting at the U was 1996-97. HEY NOW. Does anyone like cheating? I always knew I wanted to go to here, so when they got that 1 seed and went to the Final Four, well shit, I was very, very happy. When it all came tumbling down and we were left with Horse's Ass Munson, and the best player on the team was Joel Przybilla, and he hated class just as much as he hated life, it was very hard at first. But that's what losing does to you. It starts out really hard, and then it becomes routine. Just ask Wolves fans in 2 years (shit, ask them now, if you can find them). You get used to it. Memories of success fade. But it's always lurking there, you know the program has the tools to turn it around (step 1: fire Munson's fuckin ass because a loser is a loser), and so while the losing is acceptable, and you don't kid yourself into thinking they'll be any good, you keep tabs on the team... just in case.
Well, that was me earlier this decade... pretty much didn't care about the team but wanted the best for them, of course. Not like the Wolves, who I actively root against and think should move somewhere else. Or Gopher football, who I root against for gambling purposes (Thanks Mangino!). No, I always want the basketball squad to do well... they deserve it. And when Vince Grier came along in 2005 and was having himself donuts all season, SHIT! It was a marvelous experience. Even though you knew 1) that it was a complete aberration, and 2) they would never, ever, ever be able to compete against better teams, it was still damn fun to watch. Vince went off so many times during the season... just the old "Fuck this, it's all me from now on" attitude, and he was hooking them in from 20 feet, because why not? You're a JuCo transfer bound for Tel Aviv, better jit your buckets now, when people are watching. After that year, predictably, it was back to the basement.
I don't know if we'll ever be able to put into words or context just what the Tubby hiring meant, but I'll give it a shot. It was a coup of the highest order, the kind of thing that 1) DOESN'T HAPPEN in the Big 10 and 2) DOESN'T HAPPEN to the Gophers, ever. Big names don't come to the Big 10 (unless you count Kelvin Sampson, and he could count, on never coaching again). So when Tubby rolls into Minneapolis, you think guys like Izzo and Ryan aren't shitting their pants, thinking "Christ, in 3 years we're going to have a fucking game on our hands"? You think the Big 10 as a unit doesn't just pop one in their undies? This is big time... national championship coaches don't grow on trees. When's the last time Bobby Knight took one home? 1987? And if he came to the Gophs, it would've been just as big as Tubby. Anyway, it was one of those moments that define rooting for the underdog... that moment that you know you've now got the upper hand (hang on, I'll tie this to today's game soon enough, you watch). Even though it was going to take time to come around, and his recruiting hadn't even begun, you just knew it was building. We were in the first quarter of a dog fight, and the Gophers, predictably, were going to start slow. But by the 4th quarter, grab your fuckin sack.
Here's a question: if opposing Big 10 coaches are so smart, how long is it going to take them to realize that Lawrence Westbrook is more Sam Cassell than Sam Fucking Cassell? Here's a guy who can't play in the first 3 quarters to save his ass, constantly takes bonehead shots at the wrong times, and then the 4th quarter comes around and you better just get a wheelbarrow, because those nuts are going to start jugglin. He's a guy who just has that swagger, that deep muscle knowledge of how to make shots when it counts. Let's not forget... the Gophs WIN that game against Michigan if Tubby doesn't call that timeout. We're not even on the bubble. I'm not saying it's a bad call by Tubby, far from it, but still. That ball was going down as sure as Bo Ryan makes a stupid face to a ref but doesn't do anything as his team pisses away another lead because they DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK THE PRESS. This is a guy who will come in handy in the tournament. He's a match, just waiting to rake across the sandpaper. And when it happens, he's seriously one of the top 20 most dangerous scorers in the NCAA.
Now then,
Why in god's name am I so pumped by this team? They play clown-ball, which is the opposite of ghetto ball. They muck up the games to the point where the first 50 points takes it, they play lock-down defense but can't shoot for shit (seriously, "Bulls-eye Blake"? Yeah, nice shot from your ass, but what, does he average 20% on 3s? 15%?) The way they play the game is ugly, and when you combine it with the rest of the Big 10, it's almost unwatchable. Or, I should say, it would be unwatchable. If I wasn't so goddamned invested in it. To me, it's like watching Eddie G on the mound.... it looks as awful as you can imagine, but somehow, he pulls it out, and nothing matters after that final out.
But there's always that moment. That time when, no matter what came before, or what the logic dictates SHOULD be happening, you know beyond any doubt that WE'VE. GOT. THE. UPPER. HAND. It takes a certain kind of team, and more specifically, a certain type of player. The Twins get it when they play the White Sox in September. The Pack got it quite a bit when Number Four was tossing. And the Wolves used to get it almost every game when Sammy Big Balls touched the rock in the 4th quarter. Well, it's happening now with Westbrook. No matter what happens, no matter how far they're down, no matter who missed practice or was duck-walking back on defense, when LW gets that ball, the unexpected is about to happen.
So, this win today likely gets them to next Thursday. And that's a good thing. Even though nobody but me enjoys the way they play the game, hell, then that's how it is. We're still early in this game, folks. The Gophs just punched their ticket for the first time in 4 years. Next year will be a 5 seed. The year after that we might be talking about Izzo licking the under-thunder. It's a trajectory. And from here, it's only up.
They'll finish strong. But you wouldn't expect it any other way.
So it's with that understanding that I'm pulling for the Gophers almost as much as I am with any team in my life, and it makes no goddamn sense at all.
Let's do a little run-down. I invest a certain amount of energy and time into each team I follow hoping to profit either by:
1. Running to the refrigerator and beating it senseless when AJ jacks a 3 run dong in the 8th inning in Oakland (this would be filed under "emotional profit")
2. Making money on Niagra, because I ran both the Plats AND the Lats.
So, that being said, I invest an inordinate amount of energy in the Twins. I know this isn't the space to go into that, but it's true. I listen to or watch nearly every game during the summer, constantly keep tabs on stats and movements. That, in turn, keeps me very knowledgeable about MLB in general, and I sometimes (it's rare) get invested in other teams and am happy to see them succeed (I was particularly happy about Philadelphia, because I thought they were the best team for most of the season, and because, hey, it's Philly). THE POINT, JACK, is that when Denard Span hit that fucking triple down the line against the Sox in the Dome, and Gomez flew around the bases (scoring from first before the ball was in the infield), I about popped my ass through my britches. Loud screams were heard throughout my neighborhood. I live for these moments. They are the only reason I put in this much time. And when the time comes, and they hoist that banner, and Joe and Justin stand up front with Gardy to accept that trophy and Pat Neshek rides in a fucking parade, I will be happier than I would if I were ever to have a child. Truth hurts.
The Pack have a special place in my heart, for sure, and rooting for them in this environment just constantly reminds me how much better my life has turned out than those around me. "Oh, you've got that house in Wright County? Interesting, hey how are the Purple this year?" The thing about the Pack is that I am the biggest fair-weather fan out there though... when they are going good I'm up on them every week, listening to every interview and digging in on Sunday. This year? I sometimes just sat and listened to Neil Diamond records rather than watch their games. Often, I didn't even know if they were playing or not. I am able to turn it off extremely quickly. If only Vikings fans could share that ability. Maybe "mouths closed" would be a good policy.
(there is no professional basketball team that plays in this state, so I won't be talking about that)
That brings us to Gopher Basketball. You have to understand something... I have been on an absolute rollercoaster with this team over the past 15 years. The year before I was starting at the U was 1996-97. HEY NOW. Does anyone like cheating? I always knew I wanted to go to here, so when they got that 1 seed and went to the Final Four, well shit, I was very, very happy. When it all came tumbling down and we were left with Horse's Ass Munson, and the best player on the team was Joel Przybilla, and he hated class just as much as he hated life, it was very hard at first. But that's what losing does to you. It starts out really hard, and then it becomes routine. Just ask Wolves fans in 2 years (shit, ask them now, if you can find them). You get used to it. Memories of success fade. But it's always lurking there, you know the program has the tools to turn it around (step 1: fire Munson's fuckin ass because a loser is a loser), and so while the losing is acceptable, and you don't kid yourself into thinking they'll be any good, you keep tabs on the team... just in case.
Well, that was me earlier this decade... pretty much didn't care about the team but wanted the best for them, of course. Not like the Wolves, who I actively root against and think should move somewhere else. Or Gopher football, who I root against for gambling purposes (Thanks Mangino!). No, I always want the basketball squad to do well... they deserve it. And when Vince Grier came along in 2005 and was having himself donuts all season, SHIT! It was a marvelous experience. Even though you knew 1) that it was a complete aberration, and 2) they would never, ever, ever be able to compete against better teams, it was still damn fun to watch. Vince went off so many times during the season... just the old "Fuck this, it's all me from now on" attitude, and he was hooking them in from 20 feet, because why not? You're a JuCo transfer bound for Tel Aviv, better jit your buckets now, when people are watching. After that year, predictably, it was back to the basement.
I don't know if we'll ever be able to put into words or context just what the Tubby hiring meant, but I'll give it a shot. It was a coup of the highest order, the kind of thing that 1) DOESN'T HAPPEN in the Big 10 and 2) DOESN'T HAPPEN to the Gophers, ever. Big names don't come to the Big 10 (unless you count Kelvin Sampson, and he could count, on never coaching again). So when Tubby rolls into Minneapolis, you think guys like Izzo and Ryan aren't shitting their pants, thinking "Christ, in 3 years we're going to have a fucking game on our hands"? You think the Big 10 as a unit doesn't just pop one in their undies? This is big time... national championship coaches don't grow on trees. When's the last time Bobby Knight took one home? 1987? And if he came to the Gophs, it would've been just as big as Tubby. Anyway, it was one of those moments that define rooting for the underdog... that moment that you know you've now got the upper hand (hang on, I'll tie this to today's game soon enough, you watch). Even though it was going to take time to come around, and his recruiting hadn't even begun, you just knew it was building. We were in the first quarter of a dog fight, and the Gophers, predictably, were going to start slow. But by the 4th quarter, grab your fuckin sack.
Here's a question: if opposing Big 10 coaches are so smart, how long is it going to take them to realize that Lawrence Westbrook is more Sam Cassell than Sam Fucking Cassell? Here's a guy who can't play in the first 3 quarters to save his ass, constantly takes bonehead shots at the wrong times, and then the 4th quarter comes around and you better just get a wheelbarrow, because those nuts are going to start jugglin. He's a guy who just has that swagger, that deep muscle knowledge of how to make shots when it counts. Let's not forget... the Gophs WIN that game against Michigan if Tubby doesn't call that timeout. We're not even on the bubble. I'm not saying it's a bad call by Tubby, far from it, but still. That ball was going down as sure as Bo Ryan makes a stupid face to a ref but doesn't do anything as his team pisses away another lead because they DON'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK THE PRESS. This is a guy who will come in handy in the tournament. He's a match, just waiting to rake across the sandpaper. And when it happens, he's seriously one of the top 20 most dangerous scorers in the NCAA.
Now then,
Why in god's name am I so pumped by this team? They play clown-ball, which is the opposite of ghetto ball. They muck up the games to the point where the first 50 points takes it, they play lock-down defense but can't shoot for shit (seriously, "Bulls-eye Blake"? Yeah, nice shot from your ass, but what, does he average 20% on 3s? 15%?) The way they play the game is ugly, and when you combine it with the rest of the Big 10, it's almost unwatchable. Or, I should say, it would be unwatchable. If I wasn't so goddamned invested in it. To me, it's like watching Eddie G on the mound.... it looks as awful as you can imagine, but somehow, he pulls it out, and nothing matters after that final out.
But there's always that moment. That time when, no matter what came before, or what the logic dictates SHOULD be happening, you know beyond any doubt that WE'VE. GOT. THE. UPPER. HAND. It takes a certain kind of team, and more specifically, a certain type of player. The Twins get it when they play the White Sox in September. The Pack got it quite a bit when Number Four was tossing. And the Wolves used to get it almost every game when Sammy Big Balls touched the rock in the 4th quarter. Well, it's happening now with Westbrook. No matter what happens, no matter how far they're down, no matter who missed practice or was duck-walking back on defense, when LW gets that ball, the unexpected is about to happen.
So, this win today likely gets them to next Thursday. And that's a good thing. Even though nobody but me enjoys the way they play the game, hell, then that's how it is. We're still early in this game, folks. The Gophs just punched their ticket for the first time in 4 years. Next year will be a 5 seed. The year after that we might be talking about Izzo licking the under-thunder. It's a trajectory. And from here, it's only up.
They'll finish strong. But you wouldn't expect it any other way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)