May 1, 2008

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah - Spooky Scary

We're neck-deep into the grand spectacle that is the NBA playoffs, and I have seen a few things that need attention. I don't know where I get off in writing this stuff, seeing as I'm more concerned in getting that Nova off the blocks in my front yard, but let's take a stab.

(it's going to be mostly Ice Cube lyrics... like always)

1. "Now clearin' em out meant casualties / Still had the LA mentality"

Goodbye you drunk-driving, delinquent fuck! You moody, mouthy, overpaid, overrated scorer! This is what happens when everyone on your team hates their teammates. This is what happens when your coach not only doesn't believe in team chemistry, but openly praises animosity between players. This is what happens when you acquire a shoot-first point guard to go with a shoot-first point forward. And mostly, this is what happens when you play in Denver.

Man, ever since Francisco Elson and Marcus Camby opened their mouths while getting whitewashed by the Wolves in 04, I haven't been able to stop hating the Nuggets. They could play the Boston Red Sox in a 7 game series, and I would be up front with Big B on my hat. Luckily, every year I get to see them disappear.

On the other side of that coin is the Lakers, a legitimate team in this year's hunt for the crown. I will stop right here and explain that anybody who claims that the Spurs, Lakers, Celtics, Hornets or Jazz have any better chance than the rest of them to win the title doesn't really know what they're talking about. It's literally a crapshoot this year, and it's going to be entertaining as hell to watch. But if you ask me who is coming out of the west, my money stays in my pocket.

2. "Fresh outta school cause I was a high school grad, gotsta get a job cause I was a high school dad."

As if this could go to anyone but LeBron.

When he has the ball, good things happen. I think he can jump 6 feet in the air. His team is so utterly garbage around him though. Seriously, look at that roster: Ben Wallace? Joe Smith? Wally World? What, Cherokee Parks had a no-trade clause? Marc Jackson wouldn't sign for the midlevel? Will Avery failed a physical? Jesus.

I don't know much about Cleveland, except that Washington and them don't get along, so I find it funny that they meet every year in the playoffs... to put on my Simmons hat for a moment here, I'm really digging the "new" rivalries that are being established in the NBA these days, it reminds me of the old times when the Bulls hated the Knicks, the Lakers hated the Celtics, and the Pistons hated everyone. Now we've got CLE/WAS, PHO/SAS, and of course don't forget about New York and New Jersey, two teams fighting to prove who is the most pathetically run.

Can Cleveland beat Boston? Christ, it's the east. Stranger things have happened.

Speaking of...

3. "Hey! Yeah you, motherfucker, you know who I'm talkin to. Yeah, you that motherfucker that betrayed your homeboys and you ain't shit. Yeah, you 'bout to get your motherfuckin ghetto pass revoked, motherfucker."

To KG.

Look, I won't say much, but I'm pretty sure that I would characterize this stage of our break-up as the "anger" portion. I'm to the point now where seeing his intensity just makes me queasy, and the energy from the fake fans and the Johnny-Come-Latelys (which we should really just rename "Boston Basketball Fans") and all the adulation is fucking tiresome. I see holes in his game like I used to see here, I hear the same criticisms, and now I just want to be shut of it. Why oh why couldn't they have just traded him to Milwaukee? Just dump him in some trash market with no exposure. Just go away, KG, seriously. I'm so fucking over it.

Now then, Boston...

The fact that they lost two games to an Atlanta team that was THIRTY SEVEN AND FORTY FIVE during the regular season speaks in airliner-level decibels to the fact that they have the poorest coach of teams considered to have a chance at winning the championship. You think Flip doesn't want these guys when Detroit is in one of their "we care now" cycles? You think Popp is going to dictate the pace AND tempo of the entire series, should they make it that far? And Phil? Oh my dear god. We would not have seen such a disparity in coaching since that one time Mike Tice went up against Bill Parcells. Seriously, there's nothing I'm waiting for more than the Celtics to run up against a properly coached team that actually has talent. That's all I'm saying.

And I know that I'm a pompous fuck for wishing them harm and saying all that stuff about KG. But that's what's happening right now. I'm sorry.

4. "God damn! The bigger the cap, the bigger the peeling. And when dealing with the Lench Mob, you gots to know that Steady Mobbin is not just the name of this jam, but a way of life. Bound together by motherfuckers that's known to break em off somethin, give it to me..."

We don't have a Ghetto State in this year's playoffs, but we do have ghetto, and they're repping ATL. Does Joe Johnson care? Zaza, do you think you could fight KG and win? (closed circuit to Zaza: YOU COULD. KG is notoriously soft when it comes to fights... see Peeler, Anthony) Al Horford, do you sometimes dunk and then scream at the other team the whole way down the floor? Oh, and did anybody tell you that you LOST 8 MORE GAMES THAN YOU WON THIS SEASON?

No? Cool.

The series is over (again, unless Doc gets in the way), but it was fun to watch. I love ghetto ball.


Well, that about does it. The second round should be one of the hottest in recent memory. Out west, you'll have nothing but contenders (assuming Houston pulls a Houston) and in the east, you'll at least have less games to watch. I'm looking forward to watching this one as a fan (read: NOT BETTING). Enjoy.

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