Handicapping Tougaloo's chances at a #1 seed

A few years ago - inspired by that infamous Gopher poster depicting why they deserved to be crowned national champions because they had defeated Wisconsin or something - Mr. Dickfer and I chased down a long thread of extrapolation to declare that Savannah State indeed did deserve a #1 seed in the NCAA tournament. It took a grand total of 10 minutes of back-breaking research, and our reward was that we spend time looking at Savannah State's website, which is always good fun.

Our problem, clearly, was that we didn't go deep enough.

And that brings us to Tougaloo College. Located in Madison County (no, not that Madison County), Mississippi, this small liberal arts college boasts such alumni as Aunjanue Ellis and Robert Honeysucker. With an enrollment of 900, it's hard to see how they could compete with Duke. But by the simple Law of Transitive Properties (which is something we all know is a real thing), the Bulldogs should indeed be squaring off with the likes of North Dakota State in the first round.

You see, Tougaloo defeated Southern University.

Southern then beat Alabama State.

Alabama State beat Kennesaw State.

The Owls picked up a huge win against Georgia Tech (THE MISSING LINK).

Georgia Tech beat Virginia Tech.

The Hokies defeated Florida State.

And, of course, Florida State defeated Duke on January 12th.

So there you have it....

--------------------------------------------------

When you make the jump down into the NAIA, the world opens up into a flood of beauty. Because from Tougaloo, it's not a far jump to Haskell Indian Nation University. In 1884, it was formed as one of the first Indian Boarding Schools, which were pretty much responsible for the final death blow to Indian culture in America. Indian children were taught only English and were instructed to forget their Indian heritage. So, positive beginnings. They are currently governed by the Bureau of Indian Affairs, which is a government organization that gave rise to groups like AIM strictly for the purpose of opposing them.

Oh, and also:

The academic quality of the university was called into question after receiving a #9 ranking on the 2010 Top 50 Dropout Factory list from Washington Monthly in their College Guide.

The ranking was based on the 9% graduation rate reported to the Department of Education.

Well then. I think even Huggy Bear graduated more at Cincinnati.

But this year, Haskell lost an important game to Bethel. Nope, not that Bethel. This one is in Kansas. And has 500 students. Bethel is located in a town called North Newton. That's a town of 1,500 people.

Oh, and I'm sorry, did I fail to mention that Bethel College is a MENNONITE COLLEGE?

When I was in 10th grade or so, I was at a Burger King out on the edge of town (isn't that a Merle Haggard tune?), and I watched a family walk in from the truck stop in the adjoining building. The mother was wearing clothes that were hand-made and looked to be from 1870. The father had the beard that went down to his stomach. There were two children, both looking like they had literally been working the fields behind the plow-steer all day. I had just been studying about Mennonites for a class (as well as Israeli Kibbutz!) and now I was seeing them in the flesh, for the first time. I just had to know... so I walked up to one of the children and asked them if they were Mennonites. She said yes, and they all smiled and I smiled back and we parted ways.

And clearly folks, I have no bias against the Mennonites. They are goddamned dedicated to peace, and I respect that. I respect it so much that I will now joke about it.

First of all, does the team make their own uniforms with needle and thread? Do they practice by candlelight? Does some rogue edit their season's highlights into a DVD? Because if so, who will watch it? When you go to play the Mennonites in basketball, is there really any competition, or are you all just happy and shaking hands and helping each other up the entire game? I think the Mennonites would actually be happier with losses... that would play more into their religious beliefs. So long as they worked as hard as they could, of course.

And so it's really no surprise that Bethel College was handily defeated by Friends University.

There is a university in Wichita, Kansas that goes by the name of Friends University. No, it's not named after Edward Friend or whatever. It's just Friends. As in, friendship.



Look at that picture. This building clearly used to be a bank. Or a Pizza Hut. Or both.





"GOING TO COLLEGE IS FUN AND MY NAME IS ROMAN. YOU WANNA RIDE BIKES?"

When you go to the Athletics page on their website, the first link you see is for Cross Country. So we know the priorities are in order.

Also, take a look at the NAMES.
Denzel Goudeau (is that a cheese?)
Thomans Bland (not Thomas. Thomans.)
Eli Applegate ("Tis a fine barn, but sure it is no pool, English!")
Cody AND Colton Rausch (oh god someone find me a picture)
Zak Vanlooy (hey, who smokes grass on the team bus?)

When Friends University faced off against Bethel, the final score was 55-35. It may as well have been 1-0. Or just call it a tie. Because, come on, there are no losers in life. We're all standing in that sunlight, going for that Glory.

And finally, to just wrap this all up, if you're not going to give Friends University a #1 seed, then at least consider giving it to a team that showed they really have what it takes when they defeated the Falcons in overtime: Bacone College.

Mmmmm, I get hungry just thinking about it.

Tough Times in the SWAC

King of a castle made out of Styrofoam..."What if we say 'Metroplex?'"...Reliant Stadium is a "facility"

These are not easy days for the basketball teams of the schools of the SWAC.  The schools in Texas, Mississippi, Alabama and Arkansas were used as fodder for others' pre-seasons.  They entered their conference schedule battered and worn.  Hell, who wouldn't be?  We may never know because so often, the strong refuse to play the strong on anything less than their own home court.  Why give ground and prove yourself?  The "big schools" coast and do their thing until they lose in the NCAA's to a school from a small conference.  Problem is, it won't be to one of these schools.

Conference leader Texas Southern promotes their athletic department with "experience the game!"  That's what those in Houston are attempting to do, brushing aside their local competition from Houston and Rice.  The football team has a promising future ahead, with a new stadium being built that will be shared by Houston's MLS team.  The basketball team?  It toils away at something called the HP&E Arena.  But the team has won all their conference games there.  It has yet to play at Reliant Stadium, which is apparently ready for an overflow crowd.

On Valentine's Day, the Tigers traveled to Louisiana to play at Grambling.  The TSU Tigers (not the Grambling Tigers) hit a lay-up with 3 seconds to go to win the game.  It was a close, exciting contest that nearly sent the ESPNU announcers to sleep!  What do you expect - nearly everyone was either romancing their lady or getting a jump start on their drinking...and if the game is on TV, no need to show up.  The Grambling Tigers are a common example of life in the SWAC: all but ONE non-conference game was on the road.  Florida Gulf Coast will play anywhere (they lost a tough one at West Kentucky last night) so that explains that.  They weren't all losses, either.  But it's a long drive back to Louisiana when you're having to deal with a loss of 30 or more, which unfortunately happened 3 times.  Don't worry, Grambling, the school got a hefty check.  The home team announcers said how you play with pride as they shoot for 3 up 25 with 2 minutes to go.

The SWAC tournament was advertised on last night's game as being in "The Dallas Metroplex."  Hmmm...well, American Airlines Arena (or Center, whichever one isn't the Miami arena) is out.  Is Reunion Arena still around?  Hold on...I don't think it's IN Dallas.  Deep digging found that the game will be in Garland, TX.  It also includes a list of restaurants to, you know, save time.

P.E. Squad, travelling men..."Home of the Torii Hunter Baseball and Softball Complex"...the students voted, we are the Lions

Make that Golden Lions, which sounds like a bar, or a fraternal organization, or a cigarette brand in the 1950s.  But it's who they are, despite the dust-mite looking logo.

Pine Bluff has endured something also experienced by Mississippi Valley State this season: playing ALL non-conference games on the road.  Spending that much time away from school presents a double edged sword for the student and the school.  A good way to improve your ability is to play teams better than you.  (This applies to college sports only) You learn, you see your weaknesses, and celebrate any success against these better teams. 

As a result, Pine Bluff hit the endless black ribbon.  But do they feel they have to without getting anyone (hell, Arkansas or Arkansas State) to come to them?  Sure, the school gets the paycheck mentioned above, the guys get to see Chicago, Hawaii, San Francisco...they lose (in some cases by an obscene amount) and pack their bags.  Could it be worse?  You're showing them the country, and the students are ambassadors of a school many have never heard of beyond basketball losses. 

But is that what they are playing for, free travel?  Do the Golden Lions take the losses in stride and show everyone pictures?  Do the fellow students look at it realistically?  Does a player's Facebook album of the time leading up to the Hawaii game trump the final score?  Maybe there isn't a better way to see the country for free, if you can fit the description.  Or maybe it's just how basketball is in the SWAC.

Bad Days in Baton Rouge..."Or Mini-Dome for short"...the who-now?

The school that's having the toughest time is the one that didn't exactly have the hardest road.  I'd like to highlight some of Southern's non-conference foes, and the result.

November 19th, 2010

Tougaloo 71

Southern 58

Tougalou?  The dance?  Wait, hold on.  Tougaloo College, in Tougaloo, Mississippi.  The Bulldogs are NAIA (oh my).  Their very minimal athletics page doesn't even mention the Southern game.  Hey guys, YOU WON!  Hell, Southern mentions the loss; they admit it.  Their page features photos that may or may not be from the school.  And yet, they took care of a D-I school on the road. 

December 20th, 2010

Xavier (LA) 72

Southern 58

Being stupid, I though this was some sort of college out west I didn't know.  I was wrong - it's the Xavier University in Louisiana, not Ohio.  Did Southern think they were playing the boys from Cincy?  Xavier calls their basketball arena "The Barn" which immediately gives them points.  Xavier plays Tougaloo, and also lost to them, so maybe we should cut Southern some slack.

Consider those two losses and then note that Tulane, an actual D-1 school, visited and escaped with a 3 point win.  Analyzing this would make your brain explode, so I'll stop here.

But, come March, someone from the SWAC is going to dance in madness.  That dance itself will be tough, and likely not last very long.  No matter which school, a SWAC representative will show up.  The result, though anticipated, will be tough either way. 

Bigg Gregg's Gang o' Dunkers meeting convenes in 3... 2.... 1....

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!

Hands off the Boggs Lite, sonny, this is going down the trap-shoot!

(drinks entire beer, spits dip of Skoal cherry into red plastic cup)

Ben vernidos, hombres! Name of Greg. Big Greg. When you'ns google for "Big Greg", my picture comes up. So I'm going to write on this blog now, and then I'm going to go shit in my pants. TRY AND STOP EITHER ONE!

You needed some new blood around here, and I'm it. You have all fallen into complacency.... Dave Bliznawski mostly writes about athletes being tased and/or hit with paternity suits, Trip Darvez sees the game from the angle of "how many used Subarus can the coach of Utah State sell you before the deadline?", Dickfer can only stammer out rose-colored memories of Miles Tarver, and the only time Drew Boatman writes anything of value is when he stays up until 5am writing about the Bows (and even then, he just researches Barry University until he falls asleep at his desk). SO HERE I AM! BIGG GREGG WITH YOUR TOURNAMENT PREVIEW!!!!

Now, I come from Granbury, TX, which leads the nation in back-scratchers and boa-skin boots. And as such, I don't come here to talk about the Ohio States and Pittsburghs. Hell no. HOW'S COASTAL CAROLINA GOING TO DO, GREGG??? is what you are asking me and yourself right now. So let it begin:

Let's start with the Chanticleers. They're pulling an RPI of 60 despite a 22-2 record. They are undefeated in the Big South, which features other stalwarts such as Gardner-Webb and Radford. But they won at LSU... and took out East Carolina (who are both in better conferences). So, does Coastal have what it takes? Well, they ain't lost in conference yet, and they've swept 2nd place Liberty this year. They don't play another ranked opponent the rest of the way... and they should walk in their tournament. They are just ranked outside the top 25, and if they run the table they should sniff it by the end of the year. But they haven't played much top-shelf competition, and that makes them unpredictable. GREG SAYS THIS NEEDS MORE RESEARCH.

Everyone's talkin' San Diego State this year, but how about St. Mary's? I watched these guys pull a non-cover against St. John's (who has since gone on to win their banquet game), but that was early. They have an RPI of 35 and they are very close to being ranked. BUT HOO BOY, LOOK AT THAT SCHEDULE COMING UP. Of the 6 games remaining, they've got Santa Clara, San Francisco, Gonzaga (those are 2nd, 3rd, and 4th in conference) AND they have to play Utah State. Time is going to tell on the Gaels... they've got massive potential, and if they can go 4-2 down the stretch, with a good tournament run, they'll pull a 5 seed. They love to score, and they can hang with any team come tourney time. BIG GREG SAYS GO GAELS IF THEY DON'T STUMBLE.

There is some HOT action in the Missouri Valley Conference (isn't there always?) Wichita State and Northern Iowa are going to be fucking DANG-erous if they sneak in. The Shockers have an RPI of 38, and they'll definitely go if they can not pee the pants. The rest of their schedule looks easy, but that tournament may not be. Northern Iowa is of course a fan-favorite 'round these parts, and with good reason. They are yanking a 63 RPI, but this Saturday, they go head to head with Wichita State. HUGE. If they can pull that out, or can get George Mason on the 19th, look for them to shoot up into contention. They are more of a grind-it-out team this year, but they make their throws and don't turn the ball over. BALL CONTROL = TOURNAMENT SUCCESS. BOOK IT.

I have to go change now. Goin' to Spanky's for pizza buffet. Bye.

Fuck You Spike Lee

Lee, a celebrity Knicks fan, told ESPNNewYork.com that Garnett cursed him out "for no reason" during Boston's visit to Madison Square Garden on Dec. 15 and suggested that Garnett "needs to calm the [expletive] down."

Really, Spike? After you spent YEARS doing nothing but talk shit to Reggie Miller, Michael Jordan, and anyone not wearing a Knicks jersey?

Shut the fuck up and try to get back to making watchable films.

There are SNAILS on her PLATE

Bring the cheese sandwich things!

Oh, Clippers.  As you know, I did my best trying to follow this team...and the usual ineptitude made it nearly impossible.  Anyone who says otherwise is either the smelly guy yelling to himself at Ralphs or lying.  (I remember Bill Simmons years ago saying he bought Clippers tickets, but I haven't read him in 5 years)  I'll admit, watching Blake Griffin is a joy.  But, he can't play all 5 positions at the same time...and, as it happens, despite a strong run at home, the team is 10 games below .500.  That's a game out of the 8 spot in the East but does them no good now.  Their problem, one of many, is that they are shit on the road.  And, as thus, I continue to wait (as some of LA does...they'll never get the whole city) for them to make me care.  There's no moral victories in pro sports.  (Especially when your owner has no morals - ZING!)  Better than usual means "not good enough."

The Golden Rats...that performance in Indiana can be summed up in 1 stat.  I know, it's more than stats, but I'm a researcher.  Bear with me.  Forget about how many guys are injured, or the lack of depth.
Free Throw %
MN: 50%
IN: 87%

HOOOOOOWEEEEEE!  Did Clem come back and coach and I didn't hear about it?  What the fuck was that?!

OK, now quick bounce pass: we're early, but since I won't be in Halewia, HI for another late night session of drinking and discussing those NCAA "sleepers" (used for free picks and not gambling, of course) let's take a look at some that Hogg McHonk for the NY Daily News seems to miss while only watching the Big East:

(and we're doing some digging here, ok?)

Colonial Shakedown: George Mason (18-5, 10-2 in CAA) vs. OLD DOMINION (18-5, 9-3 in CAA)
Sum bitch, this is one hot match-up.  The likelihood that both schools will make the tourney is a possibility.  If this happens, it would send Billy Packer to a 30 minute monologue to his waitress at Denny's.  But these are two strong teams.  With a record like that, and an RPIs in the 30s, GM and OD are getting no love.

GM as a team is looking good.  Of note is a 41% 3-point percentage, helping them expand leads in close conference games.  OD's man is Frank Hassell, who nearly averages a double-double this season.  OD won this meeting at home earlier this season, and Hassell put up 18 pts and 9 rebounds.  He's going to have to get those boards if they're going to win tomorrow.

Names:
George Mason: Ventrail Vaughns, Paris Bennett, Rashad Whack
Old Dominion: Kent Bazemore, Trian Illadis, Marquel De Lancey
Prediction: George Mason

Ivy League "Don't Give Me This Studying Bullshit" Battle: Harvard (15-3, 4-0) vs. Princeton (14-4, 2-0)
The Ivy League plays games on Friday nights, which for whatever reason just seems wrong.  And, Ivy being Ivy, doesn't have photos to show you these guys actually exist.  But it would appear either of these schools will finally unseat Cornell this year. 

The Crimson's Keith Wright is doing a good clean-up job, averaging 14.7 points and 8 rebounds.  But this the Ivy League is all about the extra pass, and Harvard is doing that better than anyone else.  4 guys average double figures, which happens when there's a lot of passing.

Princeton's stats are nearly identical to that of their opponent, so how do they win?  Well, like Harvard, they have 4 guys averaging double figures.  (For Princeton, it's 13.0+ a game)  They make extra passes.  So how do they win?  Beats the shit outta me.

Names:
Harvard: Laurent Rivard, Ugo Okam, Dee Giger
Princeton: Ian Hummer, Mack Darrow, John Comfort
Prediction: None, but Princeton is at home, and has someone named Noonan.  Good luck making the free throws with that name, son.  (Then again, Noonan made the put)

Just Because: South Mississippi (17-5, 6-3)
According to Hogg McHonk, this is a Memphis-only conference.  But look closer, and you'll see UTEP and Southern Miss making deals.  I choose the Golden Eagles because of Gary Flowers:
He averages 20 points a game, nearly 50% from 3 point range.  He put up 27 points in 25 minutes vs. Houston.  With his size, can score from multiple ranges.  He can also turn the ball over at the wrong time...which is likely why he's not thought of higher.  (6 TO's against Memphis in the 1 point loss; no help there).  It may come down to UTEP and SM, and the NCAA might take both if it works out that way. 

South Mississippi Names:
Devonte Newbill, Josimar Ayarza, Sai'Quon Stone, Torye Pelham (1-2-3), Kayland Partee

Plenty O Big games this weekend, folks.  Get a can of Old Sconnie and enjoy before the Super Bowl hits you in the food tank.

Just because it's January...

...doesn't mean we can't talk about horseshit NBA officials. 

So, the internet is passing around this clip of Ken Mauer calling 5 Technicals on the Wolves in 10 seconds.  Not that such inane officiating is unique to Ken, or the NBA at large.  This is just a reminder that it happens all year long, not just during Stern's (soon to be) 4 month run to the finals.

But let's take a look at Ken.  You know, Ken did hard time.  5 months in jail for tax evasion among other counts.  So, you know, a felon is out there calling your games.  Stern has NO PROBLEM IN ANY WAY with OFFICIALS BEING CRIMINALS, JUST PLAYERS.  Sorry, that was CAPS overload...but I want to stress those points.  The disparity of an actual real, sane world and the one David sits in gets wider by the day.

Hey, wait a minute.  Didn't I once write a post about another shitty NBA ref who was guilty of the same thing, but never missed a game?  I sure did.  Good to see very little has changed in the Association.

KD The Next MJ?

He became the youngest scoring champion in league history at a little more than 21 years of age. He's a budding superstar on a team that has recently rediscovered success. He has a solid sidekick who compliments his abilities on the court. Sounds a lot like Michael, right?

Here's the deal sealer.

He was drafted after a high profile center that turned out to be an injury-plagued bust. Speaking of...


Portland is having some issues

Greg Oden may not play 100 games in his career. Brandon Roy's, and I quote, "most athletic days are behind him," according to him. He's 26. Joel Przybilla is out indefinitely and rookie Elliot Williams is out for the season with a knee injury. Even their big offseason acquisition, Fabricio Oberto, had to retire due to heart problems.

Bill Walton disease strikes again.


Blog Rewind

With Kevin Love and Mike Beasley gettin' some over the past few weeks, I was reminded of a blog post from way back when those crazy kids played college ball:

Kids To Watch

Michael Beasley is going to show up early and often here because I think he's going to be KD 2.0. In two games this week he's averaging 31 points, 19 rebounds - setting a Big 12 record with 24 rebounds in one game. This kid does it all over the floor. I know he was sad when Huggins left, but I think staying at K-State will further ensure his status as a top-5 draft pick next year.

Kevin Love will also show up here often. His UCLA Bruins, ranked #2 in the country, went 2-0 this past week behind two solid performances by the freshman center. He averaged 21.5 points and 11 rebounds per game. I don't think he's going to throw up Beasley's gaudy numbers but I think he'll average a workmans double-double and be a factor in every game this year. (Love had 19 points and 9 rebounds last night too)

I have to say I'm pretty impressed with what I see out of these two so far this season.  They definitely bring some hope to this team - especially with B-Easy knocking down a game winning jumper with 2 ticks left on the clock last night.

The 2nd Annual 24-hour Basketball Marathon Live-Blog

10:52PM - Hola amigos! We are live!

Just a brief procedural announcement - in case you missed it last year HA HA HA HA no one was here - anyway, I try to keep this all contained in one post, but of course I may have to break it up as I add pictures and so forth. So for anyone out there who wants to contribute in anyway, feel free to just live-edit this post as it stands. If it ends up looking confused, I'll fix it later.

Anyway, Welcome to Memphis, where they love their Tigers (and cheating)!

11:21PM " The mohawk on Garcia from Memphis looks like the kind of thing you find when you clean out your shower" - Trip Darvez has entered the Sportsbook, and has already forced out an older couple on hand to cheer on Memphis.

11:32PM - Memphis and Miami like to git their buckets. There's many ways to accomplish this, but the one most often used is "recklessly attack the hoop and hope for a sicko dunk". The over for this game was at 142 to begin... and you can see why. They are capable of scoring 10 points in 20 seconds when they are motivated. A very fun night lies ahead...

Hey, must be different age-of-consent laws for tattoos in Florida, because that man just...

11:36PM - So the Barn tonight:



My attorney and I were there more for "scouting" than for enjoyment, but it turned out to be quite the game. The Siena coach wants his team to do well, and he lets them know this by screaming into their scared faces. Beautiful.

11:43PM - UCLA center Joshua Smith. 6'10" - THREE HUNDRED AND FIVE POUNDS. Is that "pre-season" weight? I like Diddy Riese cookies in Westwood as much as the next guy, but stick to the 3 for a buck.

11:36PM - The ad at center court in Memphis "It's time to start using the stairs" - why taunt these people, Blue Cross? Pulled Porkwich? That's what the vendors are for.

11:53PM - Memphis plays just like they used to with Calipari, but they don't pay their players anymore, so they aren't... quite... as good. They so want to be ghetto though... you can see the Barton brothers trying to emulate Chris Douglas-Roberts in all his glory, but they can't finish for shit. Miami meanwhile, they don't care at all. Lots of scoring guys, that's all we're looking for.

12:00AM - We head to the new day with a halftime score of 38-37. Well on pace here guys. Keep it up.

So Dickfer, we're gonna get SIU-Edwardsville to a #1 ranking within 5 degrees. They play Kennesaw State, at home, who beat Georgia Tech today. Tech will beat Maryland, who will inevitably beat Duke, and there you go. Start writing the article now. We could get this thing to UM-BC before all is said and done.

12:05AM - UCLA's victory has lead Laura to sing Kool and the Gang's song "Get Down On It" - I ask if this is because she doesn't want to do homework. "I'm not doing homework."

12:15AM - Getting back to the Barn tonight.... I don't know what to expect this year with the Gophs. Last year I expected a lot and I didn't get very much. They ended up right where they belonged, which I guess you can't really complain about, but still. This year they look good, they are more experienced at key positions, but man, that Big Ten is tough. The best they can hope for any year is just above .500 in conference play. So I suppose it's a big old wait and see. Though I did read somewhere that just by virtue of them taking a stronger non-conference schedule, they will get a higher NCAA rank. Which is bullshit, but it's something we all know. So what if you don't actually win the games, they say, just make sure you play the tough teams. It's why Duke and UNC consistently pull down 1 and 2 seeds even when they clearly shouldn't be. "Oh but they played Syracuse!!!!" Fuck off.

12:17AM - Bill Raftery is on cup of coffee #2...I'm highly anticipating cup #6 by overtime and Bill found standing on the scorer's table.

12:31AM - This game has gone ice cold. That's the problem with betting truly ghetto teams to go over... no one on the floor can shoot consistently. So even though they love dunking and throwing the ball to the other team, there will be periods of 4 minutes without scoring. So that kills the over. Oh well, the hedges were there, I ignored them. I've seen enough out of each of these teams to know that they're going to play Git Buckets the rest of the season, they're just going to have to match up well with their opponent. Miami v. UNC? I don't think so.

12:40AM - I have a question. I know why Kobe drives to the hoop even when he has little chance of making the shot... it's because he can get fouled and then get 2 free points. But if you play for Memphis, you have no interest in learning to shoot free throws. So why do you drive errantly to the basket and throw up a prayer? Because even if you are fouled, you will come up empty. I just... I wish I knew the answers.

12:36AM - Let's take a look at some early pre-season favorites. And by favorites, I'm meaning names.

Central Connecticut State is 2-0. One of their players is named Shemik Thompson. SHEMIK. He scored 25. Will they fare as well against Maryland - Baltimore County?

Cleveland State defeated Urbana tonight. Is that in Illinois? Well, this is their athletic director:


Everyone knows that the Blue Knights have their work cut out for them going against Cleveland State. But don't discount the football program. Here's one of their press nuggets:

"Senior running back Boise Moon rushed for 226 yards and 2 TDs in the football team's 42-25 win over conference opponent Missouri S&T last Saturday. Today, Moon has been named the Family Dentistry Student-Athlete of the Week."

There's not enough time in the day...

12:58AM - Miami has cut the lead to 1, but so far this season, they already played a game. Against who?

Barry.

Wait, 1 person?

No, Barry. The Barry Buccaneers. Miami Shores, FL.

It's tough going for the Bucs. "Bucs fall short to Florida Memorial." "Get out there. BE A COP!"

1:03AM - "I've always found Miami to be a more patient team at 1 in the morning." Sean starting to get loopy.

1:11AM - St. Mary's underway!

And, as far as Miami is concerned.... we're gonna need overtime here, guys. And then some.

1:22AM - It wasn't really a prediction, but I was secretly hoping for overtime out there...just to see Bill delirious. Alas, Memphis gets the win and Miami a very sleepy flight home. Delta won't charge for the blankets overnight, will they?




1:31AM - A St. Mary's player was just fouled INTO THE POST, IN MID-AIR. Somehow, he gets up. Might be a smart time for a commercial. Well done, ESPN. I know this was an intentional foul, but the refs are aware that it's 2:30AM in New York right now, home of the "Red Storm." Not that late nights have ever been a problem for Slick Sidelines.

1:37am - CHRIS MULLIN SIGHTING AT ST. MARY'S Oh then, now the night has begun.

1:43 AM - Alternate names for Steve Lavin:
Greaser McGee
Slick McWhip
Serge Sleaze-Handle
Grease ChinGrease
Browngrease Chinslick
Slickhead Shinez
"Leaking on the Floor" Lavin

Should I stop all of this because Steve's parents are there? HAHA - of course not! Of course, his team is leading, and he's "extending the zone" all the way to half court.



1:56 AM - You know your body is starting to wind down when the See's Candy Holiday catalog is holding your attention more than live basketball. I know about your Bridge Mix...it's no "secret" to me. What am I saying? I've only SENT See's as gifts, but maybe eaten a piece of candy from them once or twice in my 10+ years in CA. What's going on with the game? Gaels with a pass to the 3rd row...ok good, so it's not just me. Steve with the lead at the half, and enough time to re-apply the VO5.

2:14AM - Watching basketball for 24 hours.... well, let's just go with a frame from Chopping Mall:



2:14AM - ESPN's ad inventory? Schick Shadel Alcohol Treatment Center. Pat O'Day, the legend of Seattle radio, does the ad. "Who I am doesn't really matter." Please! No coincidence that the center is also in Seattle. But the audience for this game must be high...or the degenerates awake at this hour are the same - the site is crashed. Pat's busy selling real estate in the San Juan Islands...wow.

2:32AM - Hawaii's next opponent is the Central Arkansas Bears. Names?

JaDarius Davis
Dewan Clayborn
Mike Pouncy
Jacquan McClinton (didn't he play bass for Isaac Hayes?)
Imad Qahwash

Get there, Bears.

2:35AM -


2:43AM - Pop quiz!


This man just:

a) Killed your family in their sleep
b) Ate a bucket of sand
c) Made a basket in a sporting contest

2:46AM - So last year I bet on the Gaels and the Bows... this year, let's just say there's nothing new under the sun. Neither bet is making me too happy right now, but there's always time. Until there isn't.

So who's the big team this year? Michigan State? Eh, whatever. Duke? That would be like trying to predict who's ass smells the worst. Not Villanova, of course. Texas A&M still on the board! Kansas State is a flash in the pan. I'm going to go with Florida. Why? Because it's almost three in the morning and I'm about to watch two hours of basketball featuring the Central Michigan Chippewas. I am invincible.

------------------------------------------------------------

3:04AM - The Gaels just do what they do, and run the lead to 10. Now let's just hold it boys. Your coach is losing the Grease Battle, but you can still win the war.

Taking a look at the Gophers non-conference schedule... Western Kentucky, NDSU, SDSU (no, not the Aztecs), Virginia, St. Joe's. Not bad at all. A good mix of mid-level talent that will do enough to impress voters if they go 9-9 again. The thing to remember is that when in doubt, the dumbfuck committee will ALWAYS go with a school like Minnesota over Milwaukee or St. Mary's. It makes sense in so many ways (except the one about, you know, picking the better team). So kudos to Tubby. But eventually, that would be really neat if they could compete for the Big 10 title. I know, I know. Give it time. But am I wrong to just want Blake to go back to shooting it from his ass?

(de-evolution of an idea: complete)

Greaser McFaceStain is going to have to teach some of these kids to shoot the basketball. Remember guys, you get that ball up over your forehead, and look through the window. Pick out the three hooks on the front of the rim, and aim for the middle one. Follow through. No, not every shot can be a dunk.

St. Mary's making their throws, man that's nice to see. I would've doubled the over in the Memphis game if they believed in practicing. Well, it's like my attorney said, "You don't walk off the island." And apparently, you don't shoot free throws out of Queens.

3:12AM - THE BOWS HAVE STARTED AND I'M SITTING HERE WATCHING FREE THROWS. Fix it, Veetle.

3:28am - Ahhhhhhhhhh, the Aloha State. I'm not sure what I'm in store for from the Bows, but any B-roll you can run of the North Shore sure would make my day. We weren't supposed to leave! We have to go back!

No HD cameras for this one, huh ESPN? Well that's not a surprise. Remember like 2 years ago when the entire US converted to over-the-air digital signal? And we all had to get those converter boxes, and the government gave us rebates, and so forth? Yeah? HAWAII DIDN'T DO THAT. They saw what was happening, and decided "No, our TV is good enough". And ain't a damn thing you can do about it, Obama.

You really should've seen that local coverage of the impending tsunami. Let's just say I've seen higher production value out of Channel 13 in Eau Claire, WI. They would cut to "experts", who of course are experts because they have lived on the island their whole lives, and have seen "stuff like this back in 62". The analysis was something along the lines of "If there's big waves, run". But really, the whole thing is a microcosm for life there. Tsunamis and traffic and the occasional murder... they don't mean anything. Life endures. The news is just a constant reminder that life on the island is fucking great.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

So Ron Artest changed his jersey number again this year. He did this because he's absolutely bat-ass insane. But it makes you think.... how was he ever able to harness that immense physical ability with what is obviously a psychotic brain? How did he not end up in an institution with "talking doctors"? He took a shot in a game after everyone in the stadium, including his own teammates, were screaming at him to NOT SHOOT. He shot anyway, and when he was asked about it, he said "Just play basketball, man." He made Craig Sager say "Queensbridge" during an interview after he just hit the winning shot. The first thought he had in his head when he won the championship was to thank his psychiatrist (which makes perfect sense). When will he sign up for the NBDL, just because they have "nicer nets"?

4:10AM - Did you know we're coming to you live from "the island of Hawaii"? I was not aware this was being played on the Big Island. Oh, what's that you say? DumbFuck BrownStone doesn't know where he is? He thinks Hawaii is one big island and also that soda cans are too difficult to operate? Well, that makes sense.

They don't allow outside banks to operate in Hawaii. You can search all you want for a US Bank ATM, even in the heart of Waikiki, and you will find nothing. We joined First Hawaiian, and it was the best bank in the world. Our branch shared a parking lot with Pat's Pizza.

They just showed b-roll of Molokai, specifically the sea cliffs. I have climbed those cliffs. They zip over them in a helicopter and it's breathtaking how sun-drenched and green they are. Yeah, not when you are walking up behind ass-dropping burros. Then it all just looks like shit.

Did you also know about Hawaii that...............

(asleep)

9:43AM - We're awake on the Pacific Coast, and before we start our day, let's check in on the games. I hear cheering...South Illinois with the lead. I don't care where you are - Missouri Valley basketball before 8AM isn't good for your health. Good crowd for a breakfast game, though. Have the concessions adjusted? Can you still get a dog? Or is it all donuts. Now there's an idea. Shit, I have to get ready for work.

10:12AM - Dave Sliznewski here. Thought it was time I checked in. Better late than never.

A few things. This page may need a section dedicated to Barry basketball. Who doesn't want to cheer for Barry - single person or team?

Secondly, Mike Pouncy.

I sure was hoping he was fat - I had a pouncing-on-donuts joke all loaded up and ready to go. Oh well. Great name anyways.

I have to say the Gophers are looking like they may actually have a team this year. And by that I mean a team that might be able to at least compete in the Big Ten. With Mbakwe, they have enough size up front to keep any post scorers at bay - Ryan Rossiter, Siena's big fella, didn't do much damage. Of course, the Gophs still can't stop any wing players, so Kalen Luca will score 40 on them before they blink. But hey, the fat guy that's playing center for Sparty won't do much but eat donuts. Good. Got that donut joke in there.

11:05AM - (chugs coffee, grunts, opens Veetle, sighs)

Marist? +29 against Villanova? WELCOME BACK SWEET GAMBLING ADDICTION!!! If Siena can play with MN for 25 minutes, I've got to believe Villanova doesn't win by more than 20. Here's some money to back up that claim. We're back.

11:20 am. Dickfer with observations. Watching the heated rivalry of Southern Illinois and Northeastern. Might go double OT. No one wants this. The coaches, players, fans, announcers . . . they just want to go home. Fans are cheering . . . to go home. OH GOD CHRIS WEBBER TIMEOUT. Whoops, SIU. Any energy to make throws. Yes, the first one. Not the second. SIU can't do anything. Nap time for all.

Sliz says: 5 total points in OT, huh? Yeah Dickfer, nobody wanted to be there.

11:39AM - The great thing about surfing around to different teams on ESPN.com is that you get to see the most recent video highlight that they produced for said team. Now, most of these, like Duke for example, had a video made of them yesterday... highlighting the challenges for the season, etc. But not the little guys. Take, for example, Maryland-Eastern Shore. That highlight? January of 2009. Blake Griffin, stone cold rocking it. I'm pretty sure we could find a video produced in the 90s if we dig hard enough. Coppin State? You gonna show Toby Bailey, errrrrrrrr?

FOUND IT: Winston-Salem. Yeah, you know, the Rams? That video that is linked to in the sidebar? DECEMBER 19, 2006. That was the last time that a major sports outlet even thought to air your "highlights". Of course, it is a game where you lost by FIFTY ONE to Kansas, but hey, git buckets.

11:58AM - Sliz back. Couldn't help but notice the offensive "heavyweights" that punched it out in West Long Branch, NJ this fine morning. They scored 100 points. No, not each. The Stonybrook Seawolves took it to the Momouth Hawks 51-49. That's less than half of the points scored in the average NBA game these days. I mean, the Wisconsin football team almost scored that many points this weekend.

More interestingly though, evey Monmouth player managed to score, including center Nick DelTufo (from Jersey of course). He managed to net 1 point in 14 "solid" minutes of play. Nobody scored more than 9 points, but hey - they all got buckets.

12:05PM - Trip here. I had good luck with Barry, so I'm scanning through tonight's games: Ap State has...Montreat College??? Is that a spelling error? No...it's a school in the "Blue Ridge Mountains." But what conference are....NAIA. Come on Appalachian State! What, all the high schools are booked? Maybe it was because Neumann was booked. They play Navy.

Neumann’s student-athletes play to win, but not only on a field, court or rink. With the guidance of their coaches and team chaplains, Neumann student-athletes learn to balance their athletic schedules with their coursework. They gain experience handling the pressure to perform on and off the court, bear the scrutiny of the media, and represent the good name and reputation of their university at other schools.

The scrutiny on the school is stifling...how they're able to manage the stress is a mystery.

Sliz says: I didn't realize Chief's cat played hoops...

1:35PM - First of all, THAT'S the Golden Hurricane basketball we've been waiting for. T-U-L-S-A. Tulsa, Tulsa, heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Canes!!! (that is absolutely not their fight song)

Second of all, when you mention the college of Neumann, you just give me clearance to post this pic:



Notice how Newman, much like the student athletes, is having a problem figuring out just where the appropriate place to go to the bathroom is. It's not there, stupid!!!

I missed out on this Baylor bet. But I can't bet a team of murderers. At least not in NCAA basketball. The Ravens, yes....

2:52PM - The Sniz just got done watching a few minutes of the Baylor Felons, err Bears and the La Salle whatevertheyares (read: too lazy to look it up).  Baylor does two things. Ghetto and Ghatto. First off they are tall and it is very apparent that they don't practice shooting (Ghetto).  Well, I guess if the dunk shot is considered practice....  Secondly, their stud, LaceDarious Dunn, isn't going to be playing for a few games due to a felony charge (Ghatto). But hey, charges were eventually dropped. That's like innocent...

I Appreciate a Good Clown

What happens when Kevin Love and Wes Johnson can't connect on a simple handshake?

Clowning.

I know it's only one small event (and a super corny one at that), but I think we can all agree that this is something that would've NEVER happened under the old regime. Could you see McHale doing this? I mean, we all thought his Frankenstein impersonations were funny, but I don't think he really meant to be funny.  Stupid corpse. 

Glen and the boys have been losing money and now it seems that they're trying a new approach to marketing this team:  Keep it light and fun. Just like a certain baseball team did a few years ago. 

I'm not ready to say they're there yet, but this is a nice little preview of what could be, as far as an attitude shift in our NBA franchise's front office.

Plus, it helps that the basketball seems to be a bit better. Or at least more fun to watch.

Fearing the Greyhounds

It could be that Bruce Pearl has too much on his mind right now. Consider all that's going on:

• The whole "providing false information" to an NCAA investigation
• The hefty salary cut as a result of that misleading information
• Hitting the town, looking for ladies

So, would any or all of those be an excuse to lose to the Indianapolis Greyhounds? (Editor's note: the Indianapolis Greyhounds are NOT IUPUI, a minor league hockey team, or a fictional roller derby team from the 70s sitcom "The Roller Girls") The final score was 79-64. Does that make it an upset in basketball if the win is that large? It wasn't a last second trick play, or a full-court heave. It was a better team defeating a lesser team. Kind of reads like business as usual.

Indy coach Stan "Point" Gouard played under Bruce at Southern Indiana (PARTY SCHOOL) and claimed, as a result, that he knew Bruce's game plan inside and out. Sure seems like it. Maybe Bruce took this "exhibition" too lightly. Or maybe, as a coach under some serious shit from the NCAA, he shouldn't say the following things in a post-game press conference:

"They were better coached. They knew exactly what they wanted to do and how to execute their game plan."

Bruce you might want to lay low for a while...stay with a friend...'till the heat wears off.

Houston, We Have a Problem

Or maybe it's hundreds of them.  The Houston Rockets managed to win their first game of the season. It doesn't suprise me that it was against our lowly Wolves. What I found interesting is that it was the first game the Rockets didn't give up 100 points. The Wolves also have one win - and also have only held one opponent below 100 points this season. 

Scoring seems to be up so far this season - 14 teams are scoring 100 or more points per game and 18 teams are giving up 100 or more points per game. The Wolves aren't scoring the least (97.3), but they are giving up the most (114.4).



A Deeper Look

Statistics, to me, are fascinating even if they don't ever tell a complete story.  You don't need numbers to tell you the Wolves aren't any good right now, but it's interesting to look at where they are particularly bad - or good.

As I discussed above, they are terrible in the scoring department on both sides of the floor.  In addition to points allowed and points scored, the Wolves are dead last in field goal percentage (.387) and assist to turnover ratio (0.86). This obviously tells us they aren't passing well. They're either dribbling too much and getting stripped or telegraphing passes and getting picked off.  It also means that the passes that do reach their intended targets aren't being delivered to a guy in a good spot, which leads to all the missed shots.

The return of Jonny Flynn might help in this particular area because he is considerably better than Bassy and Ridnour is still trying to figure everyone out. That and Kevin Love isn't going to shoot 39% from the floor for the whole season.



Speaking of Kevin Love, the Wolves are the best rebounding team in the NBA so far this season.  Love is fourth in the league in rebounding, averaging 11.7 boards per game and third in the NBA in offensive rebounds per game, a category the Wolves also lead the NBA in.  Of course with all the missed shots, there are a lot of rebounds to be had, but the fact that this has historically been a stat that the Wolves have lacked in is something to be happy about. 

The Wolves can't do much, but they can rebound.

How Bad is Bad?

With their win last night, the San Antonio Spurs have now won 17 in a row and an astonishing 26 of the last 27 games against the Los Angeles Clippers.  Ouch.  That my friends just might be the definition of domination. A long-term ass whooping of historical proportions.


That might even make the Yankees domination of the Twins seem a little weak.  Maybe not.

Anyway, upon reading this gem, I decided to check to see if there were any teams that have dominated our own squad in a similar fashion.

I took a look at the Wolves splits against all the other teams in the NBA since The Season (2003-04), which marked the peak of this franchise.  The sampling is a bit smaller - only 6 seasons - but it's big enough for this here blog.

First off, some bigger picture numbers for you to chew on.

The Wolves record since The Season is a putrid 170-322. (Clippers are 195-297)

Of the 29 other NBA teams, the Wolves have played .500 ball against two clubs (Bulls, Pacers), and have won more than lost against five teams (Clippers, Nets, Knicks, Sixers, Kings).  Their record against the 22 other NBA teams is 112-277. Winning less than 29% of your games is not the definition of success.

So who's have the Wolves been totally dominated by? There are seven teams that have absolutely owned the Wolves over the past six seasons.

7. Portland Trailblazers
Record Against: 8-16 (.333)
Streak: L-12

Wow.  This is one I didn't really expect to see this high on the list.  Sure, the Blazers have been building a winner for the past 6 years, but I guess I just hadn't noticed that they just plain beat up on the Wolves night in and night out. The Wolves have lost 13 of 14 games coming into this season.

6. Houston Rockets
Record Against: 6-15 (.286)
Streak: L-11

What!? Yao and Tracy McGrady dominated the Wolves? I could understand Clyde and Dream, but Yao and T-Mac? The Injured Assassins? I think they averaged as many missed games per season as they did points. Apparently it didn't matter because the Wolves just can't win against their Western Conference foes.

5. Denver Nuggets
Record Against: 6-18 (.250)
Streak: L-12

This one really kills me.  Even though it hasn't been a rivalry since KG left, I still hate the Nuggets. I can't express how badly I want them to lose every game they play. Maybe that's overstating it, but still, this one hurts the most.  We absolutely owned the Nuggets in the playoffs for two years. It felt so good then.  Payback is a bitch I guess.

4. Los Angeles Lakers
Record Against: 5-16 (.238)
Streak: L-11

This one doesn't surprise me. At all. Kobe and the Lakers have owned the Wolves forever. They also happen to have won the last two NBA Champtionships. They've also won 12 of 13 against the Wolves. Yeah, Corey Brewer can neither play Kobe in the triangle offense, or guard Kobe at anything. Even tiddly winks.

3. Dallas Mavericks
Record Against: 4-18 (.182)
Streak: L-2

You might be saying, 'Dave, losing two in a row isn't a big deal.'  That's true, but the Mavs have won 14 of the last 15 "matchups" against the Wolves. When Dirk is involved the Wolves can't do anything. Well, other than fail down their legs until the final whistle blows.  Too bad Dallas screwed up that NBA Finals against the Heat way back when.  Beating the shit out of the Wolves don't get you no where, even if you are a star.

2. San Antonio Spurs
Record Against: 2-19 (.095)
Streak: L-12

Man, it just sucks. Tim Duncan and Greg Popovich have pretty much owned the NBA for the past decade. Even when they're not winning every other title, they just pile up wins. Against everyone. I don't feel so bad that they've owned us to.  They do what they have to do to stay successful and that's bitchslapping the bad teams. Twice.  What does hurt is losing 17 of 18.  I mean, the Wolves aren't Clippers bad. Yet.


Wait, the Spurs aren't number one on this list? Yeah, I was surprised when I finally compiled the numbers.  I was blown away by this one.

1. Toronto Raptors
Record Against: 0-12
Streak: L-12

I can't even begin to fathom this one. The Raps? Isaiah Thomas's old ballclub? Really!? They haven't beaten the Raptors since 03-04 - Chris Bosh's rookie year. Ouch. He's the biggest bitch in the NBA. Here's hoping the Wolves can put an end to this streak this season - and I'll count a win against the Heat as ending Chris Bosh's dominance of the Wolves.

NBA Rules FAIL!

The NBA has instituted a rule that prohibits players from wearing headbands upside down. 

Yeah. They have that much time.

Can you name one player that you've seen wearing a headband upside down? I couldn't. I never even noticed. The NBA logo is very small on a headband and it is especially hard to discern which way the logo is pointed when players are running around on the court.

I can't get into the new and "improved" Rasheed Wallace rules, because they're stupid and will ruin a number of NBA games this year.

But this rule? David Stern, as has been pointed out on the blog a number of times, has lost his touch.  He's gone from the guy who helped save the NBA to a clueless moron who is slowly but surely ruining the NBA.

Even The Logo is mad about this one.

It Ain't All Rainbows And Sunshine in Miami

You can be on either side of the fence when it comes to the new Miami Heat. Based on the assembled talent it isn't a surprise that people are so optimistic about their chances at winning an NBA Championship. It also isn't a surprise that people are doubtful that the ego powers in South Beach won't be abld to mesh well enough to achieve greatness.

So which way would you bet?

Does the fact that Deadzo is all over Miami's prink affect your decision?

It does for me.  I would be rooting against them anyways, but now that Deadzo has given them his "blessing" I don't see how it makes any kind of sense to bet on Miami winning a title. At least not this season - maybe ever based on the kind of luck McFail spreads.

It's too bad that's the only kool-aid he's chugging. Where's Jim Jones when you need him?

"Hey, do you guys like my sweater?"

Base Line / Bottom Line

How pained David Stern must be at this moment. The fact that truth - not always likable, not what he wants to say - had to come from that smelly mouth of his...it's unreal. Yet there he was, with two points.

1. He tried to tell owners what to pay players - specifically, less. Economic adjustments of which they are aware.

2. We might have too many teams.

The league wants teams in the "best available markets." Now, there's no definition to that phrase: certainly David would not provide you with one. A large market that supports a basketball team is one thing...a team simply in a large market is another. Let's not confuse the two. Would fewer teams help the NBA's bottom line? At first...but then you're hoping the rest keep things afloat. Knowing his expansion history, if teams are contracted...once things get better, he'll want expansion yet again.

There isn't enough talent to fill 24 teams, let alone the 30. Combine that with how teams are run, and it gives you a good indication of who might be first to go. Forbes updated valuation list won't arrive until December, but here's the most recent stats:

At the end of last year, both Memphis and Sacramento posted the largest yearly decline in value. Sacramento won't build the Maloof Brothers (who, you know, are poor) a new arena. California is flat fucking broke. That view certainly won't change in the state capitol. Memphis has a new arena. For Memphis, they currently post more debt than value, which is no way to run a business. That happens when you generate the lowest amount of revenue of any team. Memphis might complain of market size, but then you'd have to think: what the FUCK are they doing there if the market is "small?"

Despite a positive uptick in value, Portland posted the largest fall in operating income. History shows us that the area will support the team when it's not filled with Failblazers...and you can't say they were treated to sterling moves over the last 10 years.

Indiana might be "basketball crazy" but one thing they DO have is options. If you're a basketball fan, and you don't care what kind of basketball, why not save a few bucks? The Pacers have found this out before, and a telethon might not save them this time...continued decreases in value and income don't leave a lot of options in the Midwest economics of today.

Dallas has a wealthy, business savvy, batshit crazy owner. He hates Stern, which is entertaining. He's also posting the 2nd largest income slides of the league. Mark makes deals...don't think acing this team (he's already made PLENTY off the deal, and will if he sells whenever) hasn't crossed his mind. Plug in a mumbling know-nothing owner taking his place, and you might have David lamenting that basketball in Dallas "doesn't work" because "it's a football state." Houston is making good sugar and San Antonio is doing its thing, so he might remind everyone of that to "soften the blow." After all, people in Seattle now must root for Portland...right, David?

Speaking of...the Wolves have falling value and income, but their debt is relatively low. So is their revenue. A few more years of "the same" and...wait a minute. In my lifetime, the Wolves were already to have moved to New Orleans...would more turmoil of such affairs (moving/contraction) be any surprise?

The future for the NBA is lean and mean. If regular folk can't afford to go to a game, let alone any kind of ticket plan, that Sixers/Pacers match-up (which is on TV at the bar) is an attraction to no one. Is David finally realizing this? Hard to say - he always seemed like the kind of guy to throw away his shoes instead of cleaning up the shit in the yard.

For the Gophers, "points" = $$$

This is not a common occurrence, but maybe it happened to you. You’re living in an apartment building. Nothing fancy, but it’s not bad. Seemingly out of nowhere, one day you receive a letter from the company that owns the building. It describes “exciting opportunities” and a “chance of a lifetime.” What they’re really doing is asking for more money. BUY the apartment you’re renting from us for an insane price. This way, we won’t have to fix anything in your shack, and we have more money than the actual value.

I’ve received a letter such as that, and it came to mind reading a letter written by U of Minnesota athletic director Joel Maturi. Cryptically dated “August 2010,” Joel included this letter with the season tickets for men’s basketball. I will now translate the letter, with statements in each paragraph.

“I’m asking for your continued support as we make some changes to our Preferred Seating program.”

You see, it’s not enough to just have season tickets, nor is it enough to hold them for a long time. As a matter of disclosure (and the reason for my receiving a copy of the letter) is that Gophers Men’s Basketball tickets have been in my family for 5 decades, entering the 6th. With such longevity, you get to know the other ticket holders, and see them go through life. The guy that sat behind us came to my graduation party with his new family. The couple to our left came to visit while I was in town this summer. When the U updated Williams Arena, we moved 3 rows closer to the court. The guy behind us was sent back about 15 rows. He’d only held tickets since the late 70s: not enough to make Joel’s Preferred Seating program. Tell us, Joel, what are the changes?

“Prior to the 2012-2013 season we will be expanding the existing Preferred Seating program and use Gopher Points to re-allocate season ticket locations in Williams Arena.”

Translation: You were getting a free ride with simply BUYING season tickets. That’s simply not enough.

That sentence is enough to make anyone anxious.

“The system (Gopher Points) combines a number of factors to rank each season ticket holder, including ticket history, donations to athletics, donations to the University, and being a graduate of the University.”

Translation: We’re ranking ticket holders by their extra donations.

When we received the surprising seating upgrade from the U, a donation was sent to the “Williams Fund,” which, we found out, was used to pay teachers to write term papers for the players.

“Donations from Preferred Seating assist us in paying our annual scholarship bill of $9 million for our student-athletes, as well as making facility improvements.”

Translation: It’s not enough to just be a public university. To free us of managing our department with any care or reason, the influx of cash will cover any mistakes, such as hiring incompetent coaches, overpaying them, and doing so while interest fades.

So, is Joel going to admit that? No, he’ll just repeat the same poop falling out of his mouth.

“First, these changes will provide increased donations to meet the on-going financial challenges we face. Second, while asking many of you to make a donation in addition to the coast of the season ticket is never easy, expanding the Preferred Seating program is the best way to meet our ever increasing financial challenges, making facility upgrades, and improve the fan experience.”

Translation: I’ve repeated myself because I can’t admit the truth.

The price of tickets is NOT a donation to the school. Got it?

“Please know the decision to re-seat Williams Arena was made only after serious assessment of financial trends, research of peer institutions, and discussions with season ticket holders and University leaders.”

Translation: We asked our largest donators (most of whom hold us in their pocket) and they’re fine with this.

How much would you like to wager they hardly asked ANY season ticket holders? Wait, my seats could be moved? Why? Hello? Hmm, must have hung up.

“We are sensitive to the fact that changes of this magnitude will affect many of our loyal supporters, and that this is certainly an emotional issue.”

Translation: We know you’re pissed. And…yeah.

“We welcome your comments and questions to-“

Translation: You’ll speak to a student who doesn’t really know what’s going on.

And, as you’d expect, that first call went nowhere. During the Gopher Football “open house,” my Ma cornered Joel and politely told him of the B.S. in this letter. As Joel stammered, who came to his rescue? Harvey Mackay! Wait, Trip, is it that Harvey? Why is Harvey even allowed on school grounds? They must have brushed all that under the TCF Stadium rug.

As she spoke to another school official later that afternoon, this person shared little insight. Who came to this guy’s defense? Harvey, of course, spouting the same bunk in Joel’s letter. So, a call the next day to this hotline found an accidentally honest student. “You’ve had tickets for 60 years? You don’t need to make a donation. Who told you that?”

I don’t profess to have the answers on how to run a big-time athletic department, but it’s entertaining to watch from afar how Joel continues to take one step forward, one step back. Maybe that’s his plan: that way, there’s always the need for increased donations and those beloved Gopher Points.

Ronny Being Ronny

It's like his life is just a complete clown.

Ok, so this is great

Just look at Stern's face changing, and Delonte...

A Picture Worth A Thousand Words

Finish this phrase...

To Utah.

...and...

Loungin'

Not Enough Vowels?

Headline:  Thunder's Krstic fears FIBA ban for role in brawl.


Really Nenad? I mean, you got arrested. ARRESTED!!! Not even Ron Artest got arrested.  Oh, and why did you get arrested?


Krstic hit Greek player Yannis Bouroussis in the head with a chair

In the head. With a chair. WWE-style. Niiiiice...