So the Wolves held Media Day yesterday. In addition to giving out candy and fun prizes (first one to throw the football through the swinging tire gets a 50% off coupon at Dairy Queen!), they also had time to interview Jesus Harold Christ himself.
Here is a guide to decipher what was actually meant by his statements:
When Kevin Garnett said:
"Last year was last year. We have a lot to prove. ... If you sense a little bit of a chip on my shoulder, it is. Because last year wasn't really pleasant."
He actually meant:
"This team sucked last year. For the first time in my life, I was not having fun playing basketball. I used to think it was fun - back when I was a youngster in the SC - to ball by myself. It would be pretty cool, out there in the middle of the night, the clang of the chain net, the incessant bouncing of the rock, me envisioning myself dunking on a stupid-looking pants-wetter. But you know what? In the NBA, I need help. I need 4 guys with me on the floor who want to play basketball. I didn't have that last year."
When Kevin Garnett said:
"I'm trying to know him (Dwane Casey) as much as he's trying to know me."
He actually meant:
"Until I see him face down in a pile of coke, with his M4 off safety and gold chains gleaming in the track-lighting, he ain't Flip."
When Kevin Garnett said:
"I felt like people didn't really look at themselves in the mirror. It's a new year. A new day. Happy to be back in the gym and get after it."
He actually meant:
"Despite the fact that our team is severely lacking in gangsters, I still enjoy playing basketball. Yes, we'll all miss Spree telling the woman in Los Angeles to suck his dick, and we'll miss Sam showing us not only how big they are but how much they bounce, but I still love this game."
When Kevin Garnett said:
"It was hard. Very hard. But, what's new around here? Other than these teammates. That's to be expected from Kevin. ... Whether you want to put faith in them or not, they do what they do and they do what they want to do. It's not my team. Glen Taylor, he and Kevin McHale try to put together a plan and I guess for whatever reason try to enforce it. But I don't think I'm the person to ask."
He actually meant:
"I don't have any control over what Deadzo does. I heard he was just trying to make a deal to bring Laettner back. Just yesterday, he called up Stern to see if he could participate in a supplemental draft for the lot boy at the Hard Rock. I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand how to properly tie his shoes or button his pants anymore. Of course, what would you expect? He's deceased. And the walking dead rarely make good moves in the NBA (see Auerbach, Red, for exceptions)."
When Kevin Garnett said:
"I wasn't going to feed into what you guys wanted me to say. I'm not a puppet. My leg wasn't hurting, it wasn't hurting. If it was bothering me, it was bothering me. But what difference does it make, as long as I perform?"
He actually meant:
" What the fuck you talkin' about? "Who you be?" nigga what!
If a hater wanna hate then a hater gettin' bust
We ain't hard to find nigga so why ya steadily talkin' shit
I'm fixin' to sick my dogs ho
Pussy nigga, get big nigga ho
Run around the motherfuckin club.
Best believe me."
P.S. Maybe the StarTribune should take this picture down from their website:
Because Sam and Spree don't live here anymore.
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