Yeah, Back To Compton Again, Yo, It's Either That Or The Federal Pen

Tonight, I watched two of the most predictable playoff games that could be imagined:

In the first, the Pistons walked through a victory over the Magic, playing at about 80 percent and withstanding two not-quite-enough runs. The winner was never in doubt.

In the second, it's actually still being played as I type this. But it's been predictibly BORING. I can tell you that either Houston or Utah will win this game, and that it won't matter at all, because nobody could stay awake to see the winner, including the officials.

Anyway, late last night I saw two games that peeled the paint off the roof and gave my family a permanent orange afro. CUBAN HAD TO PUT UP TRAPS, BECAUSE THE WARRIORS WERE GETTING BUNNIES ALL OVER HIS LAWN!!!!

In the first game, apparently Carmelo Anthony is a very fit basketball player now. See, I always figured him to discover hot cross buns and get up to C. Barks level, but he must've gone out and visited Dick Enrico in the offseason. Seriously, somebody call a doctor because his arms are cut. And he played possessed last night.

I think this game was lost by San Antonio, however, because they just kind of sucked offensively. I don't know if they are broken or not, but they weren't doing it last night. I was wrong about Robert Horry though, he hasn't ballooned up to a disproportionate level. He made a sicko move last night and took Nene to the snack bar. Speaking of Nene, ok, so he doesn't let rebounds get away from him? Between him and Camby, I dare say the Nuggets are strong enough inside to make a deep run. My gut tells me that these scumbags will go back to sucking, but my playoff sense wouldn't be surprised to see them go hard, and deep. That's just what Francisco Elson would want. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

In the second game, we found ourselves at famed Rucker Park for the Puma Pumps Slam Em Jam Em Full Court 9 Foot Dunk And Sunk Challenge. G State runs. Then they run more. I think the only thought that goes through the heads of the 5 guys on the floor is "Get ball, score ball, when get ball? Score ball, run and dunk ball, shoot three, get ball, where is ball? Block ball, get ball, dunk ball." Don Nelson has them like crackheads after a day-old from Brueggers. They ran the Mavs out of the gym, just completely handcuffing them and brutalizing their sorry squad. Cuban stood up many times and yelled loudly, likely feeling confident because of his totally tubular goatee (I ain't dissin you Mark, you're my dog!), but the refs couldn't even swing this one to Dallas. Seriously, have you seen a team run around the floor with so much fervor before? So much psychotically driven energy dedicated to simply playing ghetto ball at each and every turn?

I think Don Nelson is overrated here. I think this game was about the completely ghetto factor of Golden State - who starts Stephen Jackson AND Al Harrington - and Baron Davis, who looked like he was back in Charlotte having himself some home-baked cookies with every three. I heard the announcer say something like they hadn't seen him play this well ever, but that's not true. I saw him hit like 5 threes in a row during the last year the Hornets were in the playoffs, which coincided with the last year the Hornets were in NORTH CAROLINA. He was good then, and then he had a few backiotomies, and now he's just as good. We could've had him for Spree.

78-70 Rockets. Good night.