August 17, 2006

Let My Bucket Swerrrrrrrrrrve, I'm Takin Off From The Curb

Say what you will about Steph, and lord knows my counterpart has said plenty (mostly things like "I heard he sits down to go pee!" and "He cried when he lost at Golden Tee!"), but this is pretty awesome.

The sneaker industry is like the diamond cartel DeBeers. There is no supply issue. There is no labor issue. The demand is simply CREATED. Nobody on earth needs sneakers. It's a unique marketplace in which the manufacturers drive up demand - through channels such as athletes and advertising - and then they basically challenge consumers. "How much are you willing to pay for these?" The answer is a lot. And it goes up every year. Stop and consider it: yes, Nike makes decent shoes. Most of the Nikes I've owned have been high quality kicks, most have not failed me in years of use. But do you honestly think there is 120 dollars worth of craftsmanship in those sneakers? No, they cost a few dollars to make and a few more dollars to ship. The cost is strictly a who-will-blink-first game of big dollars. And kids keep buying these shoes, because of the image and because they see their favorite stars rocking them on the court.

That brings it to Steph. Adidas could sell the KGs for 20 bucks. Nike could have sold the Jordans for 20 bucks. And they STILL WOULD HAVE MADE A PROFIT. But no, they had to be greedy, had to push the pricepoint, and kids shot each other for those fucking things. The point is that it's a good thing, endorsing these sneakers, and I hope that it catches on as a trend.

It won't. But I can hope, right? Just like I can hope that Buckets has a breakout year and that Marko learns how to pass sometime soon.

August 16, 2006

This Is Gangsta Shit, It's All I Know, So When I Show Up, Open The Safe And Hit The Floor

What the hell?

"Former NBA player Lonny Baxter was arrested by uniformed Secret Service agents on Wednesday after shots were fired from a vehicle about two blocks from the White House. "


"Both Baxter, 27, and the vehicle's passenger, 35-year-old Irvin Martin, were charged with carrying a pistol without a license and other firearms charges. It wasn't immediately clear why they were allegedly firing the gun. "

Oh, I know why. Because George Bush does not like....

Jimmy, get him on the list.

August 4, 2006

The NBA Takes On A New Tazed

I sat down this summer with Kevin McHale and Isaiah Thomas and discussed the state of the NBA and USA basketball and decided that they just weren't exciting enough. Isaiah was still feeling the pain from all the money he lost on the CBA and was on the hunt for the next big money maker, and McHale was just looking for somewhere else to try his hand at failing. We decided to we wanted to put together an exhibition team to tour around the world, playing similar teams in parts of the world where basketball may not have reached yet. Well, as mentioned above, with USA Basketball in full swing, we were limited in the talent we could take with us, plus, we were having a hard time deciding how to select our team. Isaiah seemed to only want to take selfish, overpaid players, who never quite reached their potential, so they can "earn their f'ing paychecks." McHale on the otherhand could only say one name: Joe Smith. I tried to suggest some other players and ideas, but both were pretty stubborn - I actually had to slap McHale so he would shut up. By this point Isaiah is screaming obsenities in an attempt to convince us that Marbury and Francis could indeed play together. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and left them to senslessly babble at each other. As I was sitting on my throne, reading the daily paper, I came across a story and had a brilliant idea run through my head. I hurridly finished, wiping of course, and ran back to the table where Zeke and McHale were still repeating themselves at each other.

"Guys, I've got it!"

They both turned, and started repeating themselves at me. I slapped McHale and told Isaiah Anucha was behind him and he shut right up. "Guys, check this out. I think I know how to make you both happy - well, you Isaiah, Joe Smith won't figure in yet Kev." He almost started crying until I mentioned Kandi - no Kevin, not the food, the player! "Well guys, we all know that toughness is a huge part of being a good player, right? Okay, well what signifies toughness more than being able to take a taser?" They loved it! It solved all of our problems, heck it even allows the team to chose itself!

So, starting this summer we'll be waiting to see who will select themselves for the first ever All-Tased Team, made up of NBA players! So far we've got committments from Michael Olowokandi and, most recently, Dale Davis. We're holding interviews for head coaches, with Gloria James being the front runner right now. We're keeping our hopes up that Jerry Tarkanian or John Cheney may make themselves available as well, but we'll have to wait and see.

Here's our most likely candidates thus far!

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Michael Olowokandi, C - right now he's penciled into the starting lineup after he "forgot his sweatshirt" in the club

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Dale Davis, F - he's also penciled into start unless Rasheed Wallace gets ghetto this offseason, or next.

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Eddie Griffin, F - He's really just a matter of time. We've been talking to him and, with all the porn watching/jerking off/car crashing, we're just waiting for him to sign the contract

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Isiah Rider, G - He might be a long shot due to "previous commitments" but we're hoping he can make parole in time - that's based on the good assumption that he'll be in jail. Here's hoping he resists arrest enough to get tased!

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Darrell Armstrong, G - He almost made our squad at the first tryouts but fell just short. We're confident he'll have a better showing next time around.

I also received an email from Gib H. in Green Bay, asking what would happen if there weren't enough NBA players available to complete the team. In that case we're going to look into some other sports - namely the NFL or college football - to see if maybe we can fill out the team. Of course we don't see this as being a problem because we're on a 2-player-per-season pace right now, so we figure we'll have the team put together by 2011, just in time to help warm up the world for the 2012 Olympics!

We're happy to be presenting this idea to you all and, with some luck, we'll be seeing you across the globe!!

August 3, 2006

Junior Reed Is Back...

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The Wolves signed the 6-8 forward to a multi year deal, details undisclosed, but it means he'll be gettin' ghetto in blue again this season. I know it's hard to believe that he gets ghetto - just look at that smile, he's so happy - but he does, and he does it Wu Tang style. He'll sneak up behind you, stick the shiv in, then alley-oop dunk on your head. Or he'll slice your achilles, jump over you, and slap your lay-up attempt into the fourth row. That's the thing about Little Junior Reed; He doesn't give a fuck about jail. Not one. I mean, would you want to spend any time in a cell with him? Fuck that, I know I wouldn't

He was a great hustle and energy guy for us last year, and he is a hell of an athelete. He was decent defensively, and he showed improvement on the offensive side. Hopefully he can come in and back up the 3 and 4 with some quality minutes.

It's so far away, but I still can't let it rest. I need this team, like I need a bag of China White

August 2, 2006

Why Broken Rappers Suck At Basketball

This summer it has been reported that Troy Hudson refused to workout infront of Timberwolves officials because he apparently doesn't trust them. He feels he's been rushed in the past. Really Troy? I think your agent put it best.

"When he goes to work for them, they push him to do more than he feels he's ready to do"

Hmm, so you don't want to workout because you're still broken and can't run or cut? You don't want us to know that? Hmm.

"I don't think Troy's unhappy being a Timberwolf; he just wants to be healthy and not pushed to do things he doesn't want to do"

Well frankly, there's a ton of shit I don't want to do, but I have to. Just because you're touring with your rap posse, doesn't mean you can skip out on workouts. Just because you don't want to? Troy, that's why you're still broken. That's why you haven't played basketball in two years - well, three if you only count the 2002 playoffs as playing.

Troy, you're broken, worn out, busted up goods, that should be retired and sent away. I know you don't feel like you're done, but you are.

Face the music Troy, you should just shut 'em down.
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