August 4, 2006

The NBA Takes On A New Tazed

I sat down this summer with Kevin McHale and Isaiah Thomas and discussed the state of the NBA and USA basketball and decided that they just weren't exciting enough. Isaiah was still feeling the pain from all the money he lost on the CBA and was on the hunt for the next big money maker, and McHale was just looking for somewhere else to try his hand at failing. We decided to we wanted to put together an exhibition team to tour around the world, playing similar teams in parts of the world where basketball may not have reached yet. Well, as mentioned above, with USA Basketball in full swing, we were limited in the talent we could take with us, plus, we were having a hard time deciding how to select our team. Isaiah seemed to only want to take selfish, overpaid players, who never quite reached their potential, so they can "earn their f'ing paychecks." McHale on the otherhand could only say one name: Joe Smith. I tried to suggest some other players and ideas, but both were pretty stubborn - I actually had to slap McHale so he would shut up. By this point Isaiah is screaming obsenities in an attempt to convince us that Marbury and Francis could indeed play together. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and left them to senslessly babble at each other. As I was sitting on my throne, reading the daily paper, I came across a story and had a brilliant idea run through my head. I hurridly finished, wiping of course, and ran back to the table where Zeke and McHale were still repeating themselves at each other.

"Guys, I've got it!"

They both turned, and started repeating themselves at me. I slapped McHale and told Isaiah Anucha was behind him and he shut right up. "Guys, check this out. I think I know how to make you both happy - well, you Isaiah, Joe Smith won't figure in yet Kev." He almost started crying until I mentioned Kandi - no Kevin, not the food, the player! "Well guys, we all know that toughness is a huge part of being a good player, right? Okay, well what signifies toughness more than being able to take a taser?" They loved it! It solved all of our problems, heck it even allows the team to chose itself!

So, starting this summer we'll be waiting to see who will select themselves for the first ever All-Tased Team, made up of NBA players! So far we've got committments from Michael Olowokandi and, most recently, Dale Davis. We're holding interviews for head coaches, with Gloria James being the front runner right now. We're keeping our hopes up that Jerry Tarkanian or John Cheney may make themselves available as well, but we'll have to wait and see.

Here's our most likely candidates thus far!

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Michael Olowokandi, C - right now he's penciled into the starting lineup after he "forgot his sweatshirt" in the club

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Dale Davis, F - he's also penciled into start unless Rasheed Wallace gets ghetto this offseason, or next.

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Eddie Griffin, F - He's really just a matter of time. We've been talking to him and, with all the porn watching/jerking off/car crashing, we're just waiting for him to sign the contract

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Isiah Rider, G - He might be a long shot due to "previous commitments" but we're hoping he can make parole in time - that's based on the good assumption that he'll be in jail. Here's hoping he resists arrest enough to get tased!

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Darrell Armstrong, G - He almost made our squad at the first tryouts but fell just short. We're confident he'll have a better showing next time around.

I also received an email from Gib H. in Green Bay, asking what would happen if there weren't enough NBA players available to complete the team. In that case we're going to look into some other sports - namely the NFL or college football - to see if maybe we can fill out the team. Of course we don't see this as being a problem because we're on a 2-player-per-season pace right now, so we figure we'll have the team put together by 2011, just in time to help warm up the world for the 2012 Olympics!

We're happy to be presenting this idea to you all and, with some luck, we'll be seeing you across the globe!!

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