July 11, 2005

5 idiots, 26 years, $357 million: A week in the life of rumors

As we approach the extravenganza known as NBA free agency, we begin to really see who's smart, who's stupid, who's lucky, and who needs to be locked in a closet and set on fire. Everbody does it differently. Some run around making offers to whoever will listen and hope to God they land someone. Others take every penny they can and give it to one guy who they pray will end up being God. Yet others sit on their thumbs. Some will spend to keep those players they already have. Others will tell their free agents to eat balls, and try to get everyone elses free agents. Everybody works it differently.

Somebody thinks Ray Allen is worth 5 years, $85 million. Fine. I could live with that. Somebody else thinks Larry Hughes deserves $65 million over 5 years. Um. Okay, sure, I guess so. There's a certain someone that really wanted to give Joe Johnson $70 million over 5 years, but instead forced someone else to pay him that much dough. Ouch. Then, there's someone who is dying to give someone $47 million over 5 years, on top of paying Michael Redd $90 over 6. Jesus.

That's 26 years, $357 million dollars. Ouch.

5 Idiots

5. Milwaukee Bucks GM Larry Harris. What the fuck are you doing Lar? You're going to give Bobby Simmons $9 million per season? I've got a few reasons why that's not a good idea. He needs the ball. Yeah. Other than Corey Maggette, Simms was the Clips only option on offense, and giving him a fat contract is only going to make him more greedy. Of course that's assuming he has more than one good season in him. Did you check the stats other than last season? No? Here. Great three years. Oh, and does anyone remember that at one point during last season - fairly late in the season - when Bobby was above 50% from the floor? What does that tell you? Shut up, I'll answer that! It tells you that as he got more minutes and more success, he wanted more, forced himself more. What results did this yield? worse shooting, less scoring. Oh sure, McGhetto game back, but seriously, your shooting percentage shouldn't go down. Another thing this man is doing is giving Michael Redd a max deal. WTF again!? Now, don't get me wrong, I love Michael Redd. He's a hell of a shooter, and a good all around player, but $90 million? I'm sorry, I can't stomach giving him Garnett and Duncan money. He's not that good. Bobby Simmons is overrated, Michael Redd is overpaid, and Larry Harris is an idiot.

4. Brian Colangelo, GM, Phoenix Suns. What!? How could you say that? He was responsible for Amare Stoudemire! He got Steve Nash! His pick ups took his team to the brink of the NBA Finals!! How does he end up on your list of idiots?! Shut up Suns fan, I'll tell you why. He signed Steve Nash, who's 31 by the way, for 6 year and $65 million. that's too much money for too many years. Yes, Steve Nash won the MVP and he deserved it, but did you see what happened when he sat out those 4 games early? No? The Suns didn't win. They reverted back the 29 win team of a year before and looked stupid doing it. The Suns are one Nash inury away from another cellar dweller season. Now, Mr. Colangelo is rumored to be matching the Hawks 5 year $70 million offer on Joe Johnson. Really? Fucking Joe Johnson gets $70 million? How quickly one forgets that he was a money matching piece in the Penny Hardaway trade. Now, again, I like Joe Johnson, I think he's a great player to have on your team. He's a proven scorer and showed last year that he can handle the ball as well. But $70 million? He's definately a better option than Q, but again, I can't stomach paying him $14 million per season. I hope Colangelo's got a plan for re-signing Amare Stoudemire, because he's much more important to the Suns than Joe Johnson is. Stamped: Idiot.

3. Antoine Walker. I know, not really a surprise, but I didn't want anyone forgetting about him. He's trying to work out a sign-and-trade deal because he feels he's worth more than the midlevel exception. Really 'toine? Where? Boston? Ha! Stop it, that's not funny - anymore. Dallas? Whoops, fucked up there didn't you. Atlanta? Seriously, I'm trying to be serious. Walker is a good player, assuming you want your power forward to spend more time at the top of the key than your point guard, shoot more than your #1 option on offense, and turn the ball over more than a college kid flips his couch cusions. Oh, and pay more than $5 million per season for? No thanks. I've got one guy in mind that might be stupid enough to do it...

2. Isaiah Thomas. Yeah, he'd do it, he's thinking about it. Remember Jamal Crawford? Future starting 2-guard in New York? I mean Steph and him the backcourt may seem like a good idea, but in truth they're the same fucking player. Both have yet to see a shot they don't like or a teammate they do like. Okay, so now let's go get Quentin Richardson. He's a bigger version without the passing skills. Q is, not to mention a former Clipper, a one dimentional player that only worked in Phoenix because Steve Nash is the second best point guard in the NBA. Stephon doesn't pass. I know, 8 assists per game, but I bet if you look into his shot-to-pass ratio it'd show the true story of the Wunder-idiot from New York. So now we've got three guys who want to do nothing but shoot. Okay, but as long as we have some rebounding, we should be able to get away with it, right? Sure, in theory, but there's a problem. Your staring PF and C this season is going to be Malik Rose and Channing Frye. "Wait, what happened to that Nazr guy?" Oh Isaiah got Malik for him straight up. Nice work. "Yeah, but KT is still around, right?" Sorry, wrong again. He's how Isaiah picked up Q. Wow, so now we've got a "great" backcourt, but NOTHING ELSE! "Yeah, but Frye man, he was goood in college." Sure, and I bet that Herb Williams is praying every night that Channing can atleast be half the player Marcus Camby was. Now Thomas has alienated his two star players (Marbury and Crawford) by signing another guard and the rumors are that he's trying to trade one of them, presumably Crawford, but who knows with Zeke. So now the Knicks are way over the cap, have too many shooters, no rebounds and limited passers. Good luck dumbass, good luck.

So you're saying to yourself, wow, Jake just layed into Isaiah really hard and he was only number two, that number one has got to be a doozy. Well for most this will probably be a let down, although not on this site, with these fans. I'm talking about a certain idiot, or group of idiots, that us Wolves fan love to hate almost as much as we love seeing them getting obliterated every time they get into the post season.

1. Denver Nuggets. I know, applaude for a minute, but then settle down cuz I have something of significance to say. So the Nuggets think they're a step away from being a consistant contender. One little piece from championship glory. Kiki and Karl need a shooting guard. They need someone who can compliment Carmelo Anthony on both ends of the floor. Okay. So why is it then, that you can't attract the top end guards? Because you don't have money? No, that's not really it. Because they don't want to play in Denver, Colorado? No, who wouldn't want to be in Denver, it's a georgous city and it's relatively mild in terms of the weather. Okay, so why is it then that they won't sign? Is it maybe because they don't see you as a contender any time soon?Yeah, I think it is. Michael Redd and Ray Allen, I can understand because they can get more money over a longer period. What about Larry Hughes? Sure, I'd rather play alongside LeBron and Marshmellow anyday. So that leaves the Nuggets trying to sign Cuttino Mobley. Okay, he's a solid option. But they won't give up Nene. What!? I know Nene is a decent player, but does he play much? Camby and Kenyon Martin eat up most of the minutes at the 4 and 5 spots. Elson and Najera will be eating up minutes at the forward spots as well. Okay, you've got good depth at center and forward - relatively speaking - but you've got a guy who blew out his achillies tendon and no one else at the 2 guard. So why not go get Mobley? Oh, right, you're the Denver Nuggets. So your next best option is Ronald "flip" Murray. If I have to explain why that's a bad idea then maybe you shouldn't read here anymore. Here's a guy who, when he's the only option, can score as well as anyone, but once he was moved to the 2nd option, he turned into an idiot. It pains me to say it, but they should've kept Jon Barry. The Nuggets are idiots and the only thing they have going for them is George Karl, and well, look what he did in Milwaukee: Got them oh-so-close to the promised land, then got chased out of town for being a douche bag.

1 comment:

Drew Boatman said...

Wow! Now THAT'S some venom.

I think we could write an entire article, hell an entire NOVEL about Channing Frye and the comparisons to Loren Woods. I mean, seriously.

In my own opinion, New York is more fucked than Denver, but they're very close. It's like saying Waterworld fucked up more than Battlefield Earth. I mean, really, what's the point? They're both fucked beyond belief.

These salaries are unbelievable. I think this new CBA has everyone max-contract-happy. It's just baffling. Michael Redd gets a max?!?!!? Milwaukee, wow. They're hamstrung for a long time. At least they have the youngest white stiff center with bad eyes in the NBA.

And I completely agree about the Phoenix Suns. Nash goes down, and they just collapse. Next season, he'll probably only play in about half the games. That spells trouble. And Kurt Thomas DOES NOT fit into their offense. It will be fun to watch.

Hey, the Wolves haven't made a move yet. Maybe they might do something smart!