NBA Officials Are Garbage

FIRST QUARTER

We're live from Chicago, and the real question today is "how exactly will the referees give this game to Chicago?"

Jeff Van Gundy, backing me up... "The Celtics start 3 young guys too... people forget this" Thanks. The concept that the Celtics are this "aging, gruff team" is patently false. That team plays in San Antonio.

Ok, the Bulls? This team is as bad at defense as Golden State. They just don't score as much and have as many scores in the 260s. So they win games 111-109. They are fairly solid at rebounding, I'll give them that, but otherwise, they don't believe in staying home on shooters. Ray can just shoot when he wants.

KG cheering on the bench. Look at that intensity. He's like Mark Madsen. A slight bit less intense.

Salmons misfires, again, he's 0-4. And this is when the Bulls lose by 20. If they can't score, they're nothing. I don't know exactly what plays they run, but it seems like it's "give the ball to one of our guards and let them do whatever they want". Hey, if I had Ben Gordon I would do the same.

OH MY GOD THE PATRICK EWING SNICKERS AD. DO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO DO AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR SNICKERS CANDY BARS WHEN THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU'VE DONE SINCE RETIREMENT IS "EAT SNICKERS BARS"?

Doc Rivers gives an interview on Vinny Del Negro's playing style. Let's talk "coaching style" in this game. It seems to be "do whatever" vs. "do whatever, including travel because we're at home"

Here's the big difference between these two teams. Boston behaves as though they have ever played a playoff game before. Chicago does not. Noah turns it over on a botched alley-oop, and Heinrich reaches in on the fast break for the easiest foul call of all time. Without their two guards, Chicago is virtually nothing.

Kendrick Perkins.... if only he would've been traded to the Wolves. Then he would have gained 15 more pounds and have been out of basketball by now. He's an unfit man who is also unmotivated. Good thing he plays for a champion.

OK JEFF WE GET IT, CHICAGO IS LAZY ON TRANSITION DEFENSE. YOU COULD SAY THE SAME THING ABOUT 70% OF NBA TEAMS.

Joakim Noah is like Dennis Rodman, only every single thing he does is incorrect.

Here's our first BS call against the Celtics... a moving screen. Now is this the point that Clark Kellogg comes in and says "Yeah, the officials are calling that this year" for the hundreth time? Are we in college? The next possession, Ben Gordon comes down the court and draws 10 times the contact and makes a basket, and there is no call. I think it's because the ball went in the basket. Officials just want good things to happen, so if there is a made shot, they lay off the whistles. I wish there were a joke here, but it's the truth.

A T Mobile ad. I didn't think they let Charles in these anymore. You know, after he was arrested for drunkenly driving to visit a whore for sexual favors.

SECOND QUARTER

And here we are, early in the second quarter, and Rose can finally make a shot. It's funny... they've got the momentum right now, but it reminds me of a baseball team who is getting by on dink singles... or like Delmon Young. Eventually, the other team's going to figure out how to stop it, and you've got nothing else in your tank. The Bulls could easily lose this game by 15 or 20, yet they're rolling now, so whatever.

IS THAT DEL HARRIS ON CHICAGO'S BENCH??? This series just shifted.

Kirk Heinrich goes after a loose ball, and because he's "scrappy", the fact that he's absolutely mugging Eddie House doesn't elicit a call. Then, two seconds later, a touch foul is called in the paint. Hey, that's consistent.

Kendrick Perkins winds up to shoot like Aldrich from Kansas... only slower.

The Bulls lead a 3 on one break, and one of the three is Brad Miller, a man who is tall. They get three chances at a lay up. They do not score.

Boston hits three 3s in a row to take the lead, and nobody on Chicago even wants to inbound the ball. This is what happens.

Chicago comes down the floor after a block in a three on three situation. Since one of these three for Boston is Brian Scalabrine, he feels the need to commit the foul to "slow up" the Bulls. Good work, kid.

Paul Pierce drives to the basket, and I count three fouls in the act of shooting. But he plays for the wrong team, so no call.

Has Kirk Heinrich been growing that grease-o beard for the playoffs, or since the beginning of the season?

We go to the half with Ray Allen making a wide open three. Quote Jeff Van Gundy: "Bad Defense". Yeah, I would say most defense involving Tyrus Thomas is bad. He didn't play D in college, so why would he play it now? But hey, he can dunk, so get there. That's better than most guys on the Wolves.

HALFTIME

First thing I hear coming out of the half: Bill Wennington is a broadcaster for the Bulls. Is Luc Longley the color guy? Where does Jud Buechler fit into this.

Glen Davis "muscles" his way to another offensive rebound. Davis and Perkins are WAYYYYYYYYYYY fatter than anyone Chicago can throw out there. I think I can get Oliver Miller's number, if they need it.

The referees are "letting them play" right now. I wonder who that favors. Also, I would bet a million dollars that they will not "let them play" at the end of the game.

Brad Miller bats the ball out of bounds. But Rajon Rondo was near him. So it's Chicago ball.

I don't know that I've seen a team play as sloppy as the Bulls are playing right now. They look like my fifth grade team, the Runnin Rebels of River Heights elementary. But we at least made our lay ups.

Kirk Heinrich... what happened man? I guess you've got to make way for Rose, but it sucks that Heinrich is coming off the bench now. He gets a pick at the top of the key, drives to his left, pulls up, and all alone drains a long two. That's his game. I've seen him do that so many times, get that wide open long shot and drain it. All I'm saying is, can't the Wolves put together a package? I'm sure the Bulls could use Corey Brewer. His old buddy Joakim is already there!!!! Come on Fred or Jim or Kevin or whoever happens to be in charge of the Wolves this week, let's go!

Brian Scalabrine needs a clock in the chops so hard. I don't even hear him talk, his face is driving me crazy.

Tyrus Thomas fouls Ray Allen on a three point attempt. Oh my god, he is so bad at defense. The only time that he actually tries, he fouls. Ray Allen. On a three. I would take him out and never put him back in.

Wow. The Celtics score 12 straight points to end the third quarter. The Bulls are just not good at basketball... they are far too streaky to be taken seriously. Yeah Bill, this sure has been a "classic" series. I can't wait to see what happens next! Which Bull will dribble out of bounds?!?!? How will Brian Scalabrine turn it over next????

FOURTH QUARTER

We start the 4th with the Bulls on a mini-run. Oh sure, this will last as long as they make every one of their jump shots.

Nice to see Joakim Noah still shoots free throws like an 8th grade girl.

It's funny how hatred works in the NBA. I used to hate Brad Miller almost as much as life itself. Now, as he steps to the line to make two throws after being fouled by Fat Baby, I pull for him to make them both. It's that old White Sox idea.... I don't care which team it is... Red Sox, Yankees, any of the teams I hate, any player I despise - when they go against the White Sox, I wish them success. Here we are with Boston.

Every time Perkins commits a foul he looks as though he doesn't enjoy playing basketball. Like he's going to give up the game right there.

Back and forth we go, until the Bulls have a two point lead. Tyrus Thomas gets the rebound, and instead of passing to someone who can make free throws, he keeps it himself. He misses the first one. Ray Allen ties it. There may be something to this "classic" designation after all. If by classic you mean "sloppy" and "to and fro".

OVERTIME

Holy god almighty, there have been 45 fouls in the overtime session, and not a single one has been called. I guess they're "letting them play". Which means "letting the Celtics win".

Ben Gordon has to get decapitated in order for a foul to be called. He goes to the line for two and.......... JESUS LORD ALMIGHTY AM I WATCHING THE MEMPHIS TIGERS SHOOTING THE FREE THROWS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

HOLY SHIT, BEN GORDON JUST HIT A THREE AND GRABBED HIS SACK AS HE WAS RUNNING DOWN THE FLOOR. Sammy C, eat your heart out. Ben's got the biggest one of them all.

SECOND OVERTIME

We're going to double overtime. I don't understand any of this. The game should've been won hours ago. Stuart Scott keeps checking in and telling us not to worry because the Cavs-Pistons game is coming up "just as soon as this game is over". Why the hell would we want to see that? Did you know that in the history of the NBA, no team has ever been down 3-0 and won the 4th game? That's insane.

Tony Allen in the game. I'm not saying the pressure is on, but if something should happen to the Bulls, da-da-da-dot, his family, etc.

Ben Gordon has gone into full on "my sack is bigger than yours" mode. He's shooting every time he's got it. Is he Troy Hudson? Makes one big shot, and yes, he'll be taking the next 10.

Fat Baby looking... ummm.... "tired" here.

There are some gigantic whale-like people at this Chicago game wearing "See Red" t-shirts. Yeah, you'll see red, when you keel over after your 4th dog of the day.

Each of KG's earrings cost more than I will make in my 30s. Truth hurts.

When is the nickname "Big Baby" going to be shed? I mean, when he's 38 and playing for Tel Aviv or whatever, isn't that going to be kind of insulting?

Every single time the Bulls are in the "one more basket and we clinch this thing" situation, they balls it up. This time, Rose damn near dribbles it off his feet, a la Zach Randolph, and fires an ill advised shot.

"If the Bulls hit their free throws, they're going to win this game." THE SAME COULD BE SAID ABOUT EVERY SINGLE GAME EVER.

I missed it at the time, but at the end of the first overtime, I heard the announcer say "Stephon Marbury inserted for defensive purposes." Holy shit. In other news:

Shaq inserted for his free throw shooting.

Mark Madsen in the game to give his team the deep ball threat.

Vin Baker in the game to provide his team with a steady hand.

Funny how KG, Stephon and Ray Allen all ended up 'playing' on the same team. Of course, by 'playing', I mean one of them is old but can still shoot, one is old and may not ever play again, and the other doesn't like playing with other players on the court, and will someday go to Italy and come off the bench.

The Bulls have literally pissed this game away 10 times today. I just can't see how they can win, having given up the lead so many times.

John Salmons to the free throw line. CLENCHING TEETH. Holy moses, he cans them both. Unheard of so far today.

After Pierce hits a three, we see Doc drawing up a play, and KG is standing by, quietly. Not a good idea. If I'm the Celtics, just give Kevin the keys at this point. Doc is only going to get in the way.

Salmons back to the line. I can't believe it... he makes them both again.

And that "play" that Doc drew up? Was it "Rondo hold the ball 10 seconds too long, pass to Pierce, who is blanketed by Salmons, have Pierce throw up a prayer that is blocked, and never pass to Ray Allen during the play at all, because that would be too smart"?