November 18, 2010

KD The Next MJ?

He became the youngest scoring champion in league history at a little more than 21 years of age. He's a budding superstar on a team that has recently rediscovered success. He has a solid sidekick who compliments his abilities on the court. Sounds a lot like Michael, right?

Here's the deal sealer.

He was drafted after a high profile center that turned out to be an injury-plagued bust. Speaking of...

Portland is having some issues

Greg Oden may not play 100 games in his career. Brandon Roy's, and I quote, "most athletic days are behind him," according to him. He's 26. Joel Przybilla is out indefinitely and rookie Elliot Williams is out for the season with a knee injury. Even their big offseason acquisition, Fabricio Oberto, had to retire due to heart problems.

Bill Walton disease strikes again.

Blog Rewind

With Kevin Love and Mike Beasley gettin' some over the past few weeks, I was reminded of a blog post from way back when those crazy kids played college ball:

Kids To Watch

Michael Beasley is going to show up early and often here because I think he's going to be KD 2.0. In two games this week he's averaging 31 points, 19 rebounds - setting a Big 12 record with 24 rebounds in one game. This kid does it all over the floor. I know he was sad when Huggins left, but I think staying at K-State will further ensure his status as a top-5 draft pick next year.

Kevin Love will also show up here often. His UCLA Bruins, ranked #2 in the country, went 2-0 this past week behind two solid performances by the freshman center. He averaged 21.5 points and 11 rebounds per game. I don't think he's going to throw up Beasley's gaudy numbers but I think he'll average a workmans double-double and be a factor in every game this year. (Love had 19 points and 9 rebounds last night too)

I have to say I'm pretty impressed with what I see out of these two so far this season.  They definitely bring some hope to this team - especially with B-Easy knocking down a game winning jumper with 2 ticks left on the clock last night.

November 15, 2010

The 2nd Annual 24-hour Basketball Marathon Live-Blog

10:52PM - Hola amigos! We are live!

Just a brief procedural announcement - in case you missed it last year HA HA HA HA no one was here - anyway, I try to keep this all contained in one post, but of course I may have to break it up as I add pictures and so forth. So for anyone out there who wants to contribute in anyway, feel free to just live-edit this post as it stands. If it ends up looking confused, I'll fix it later.

Anyway, Welcome to Memphis, where they love their Tigers (and cheating)!

11:21PM " The mohawk on Garcia from Memphis looks like the kind of thing you find when you clean out your shower" - Trip Darvez has entered the Sportsbook, and has already forced out an older couple on hand to cheer on Memphis.

11:32PM - Memphis and Miami like to git their buckets. There's many ways to accomplish this, but the one most often used is "recklessly attack the hoop and hope for a sicko dunk". The over for this game was at 142 to begin... and you can see why. They are capable of scoring 10 points in 20 seconds when they are motivated. A very fun night lies ahead...

Hey, must be different age-of-consent laws for tattoos in Florida, because that man just...

11:36PM - So the Barn tonight:

My attorney and I were there more for "scouting" than for enjoyment, but it turned out to be quite the game. The Siena coach wants his team to do well, and he lets them know this by screaming into their scared faces. Beautiful.

11:43PM - UCLA center Joshua Smith. 6'10" - THREE HUNDRED AND FIVE POUNDS. Is that "pre-season" weight? I like Diddy Riese cookies in Westwood as much as the next guy, but stick to the 3 for a buck.

11:36PM - The ad at center court in Memphis "It's time to start using the stairs" - why taunt these people, Blue Cross? Pulled Porkwich? That's what the vendors are for.

11:53PM - Memphis plays just like they used to with Calipari, but they don't pay their players anymore, so they aren't... quite... as good. They so want to be ghetto though... you can see the Barton brothers trying to emulate Chris Douglas-Roberts in all his glory, but they can't finish for shit. Miami meanwhile, they don't care at all. Lots of scoring guys, that's all we're looking for.

12:00AM - We head to the new day with a halftime score of 38-37. Well on pace here guys. Keep it up.

So Dickfer, we're gonna get SIU-Edwardsville to a #1 ranking within 5 degrees. They play Kennesaw State, at home, who beat Georgia Tech today. Tech will beat Maryland, who will inevitably beat Duke, and there you go. Start writing the article now. We could get this thing to UM-BC before all is said and done.

12:05AM - UCLA's victory has lead Laura to sing Kool and the Gang's song "Get Down On It" - I ask if this is because she doesn't want to do homework. "I'm not doing homework."

12:15AM - Getting back to the Barn tonight.... I don't know what to expect this year with the Gophs. Last year I expected a lot and I didn't get very much. They ended up right where they belonged, which I guess you can't really complain about, but still. This year they look good, they are more experienced at key positions, but man, that Big Ten is tough. The best they can hope for any year is just above .500 in conference play. So I suppose it's a big old wait and see. Though I did read somewhere that just by virtue of them taking a stronger non-conference schedule, they will get a higher NCAA rank. Which is bullshit, but it's something we all know. So what if you don't actually win the games, they say, just make sure you play the tough teams. It's why Duke and UNC consistently pull down 1 and 2 seeds even when they clearly shouldn't be. "Oh but they played Syracuse!!!!" Fuck off.

12:17AM - Bill Raftery is on cup of coffee #2...I'm highly anticipating cup #6 by overtime and Bill found standing on the scorer's table.

12:31AM - This game has gone ice cold. That's the problem with betting truly ghetto teams to go over... no one on the floor can shoot consistently. So even though they love dunking and throwing the ball to the other team, there will be periods of 4 minutes without scoring. So that kills the over. Oh well, the hedges were there, I ignored them. I've seen enough out of each of these teams to know that they're going to play Git Buckets the rest of the season, they're just going to have to match up well with their opponent. Miami v. UNC? I don't think so.

12:40AM - I have a question. I know why Kobe drives to the hoop even when he has little chance of making the shot... it's because he can get fouled and then get 2 free points. But if you play for Memphis, you have no interest in learning to shoot free throws. So why do you drive errantly to the basket and throw up a prayer? Because even if you are fouled, you will come up empty. I just... I wish I knew the answers.

12:36AM - Let's take a look at some early pre-season favorites. And by favorites, I'm meaning names.

Central Connecticut State is 2-0. One of their players is named Shemik Thompson. SHEMIK. He scored 25. Will they fare as well against Maryland - Baltimore County?

Cleveland State defeated Urbana tonight. Is that in Illinois? Well, this is their athletic director:

Everyone knows that the Blue Knights have their work cut out for them going against Cleveland State. But don't discount the football program. Here's one of their press nuggets:

"Senior running back Boise Moon rushed for 226 yards and 2 TDs in the football team's 42-25 win over conference opponent Missouri S&T last Saturday. Today, Moon has been named the Family Dentistry Student-Athlete of the Week."

There's not enough time in the day...

12:58AM - Miami has cut the lead to 1, but so far this season, they already played a game. Against who?


Wait, 1 person?

No, Barry. The Barry Buccaneers. Miami Shores, FL.

It's tough going for the Bucs. "Bucs fall short to Florida Memorial." "Get out there. BE A COP!"

1:03AM - "I've always found Miami to be a more patient team at 1 in the morning." Sean starting to get loopy.

1:11AM - St. Mary's underway!

And, as far as Miami is concerned.... we're gonna need overtime here, guys. And then some.

1:22AM - It wasn't really a prediction, but I was secretly hoping for overtime out there...just to see Bill delirious. Alas, Memphis gets the win and Miami a very sleepy flight home. Delta won't charge for the blankets overnight, will they?

1:31AM - A St. Mary's player was just fouled INTO THE POST, IN MID-AIR. Somehow, he gets up. Might be a smart time for a commercial. Well done, ESPN. I know this was an intentional foul, but the refs are aware that it's 2:30AM in New York right now, home of the "Red Storm." Not that late nights have ever been a problem for Slick Sidelines.

1:37am - CHRIS MULLIN SIGHTING AT ST. MARY'S Oh then, now the night has begun.

1:43 AM - Alternate names for Steve Lavin:
Greaser McGee
Slick McWhip
Serge Sleaze-Handle
Grease ChinGrease
Browngrease Chinslick
Slickhead Shinez
"Leaking on the Floor" Lavin

Should I stop all of this because Steve's parents are there? HAHA - of course not! Of course, his team is leading, and he's "extending the zone" all the way to half court.

1:56 AM - You know your body is starting to wind down when the See's Candy Holiday catalog is holding your attention more than live basketball. I know about your Bridge's no "secret" to me. What am I saying? I've only SENT See's as gifts, but maybe eaten a piece of candy from them once or twice in my 10+ years in CA. What's going on with the game? Gaels with a pass to the 3rd row...ok good, so it's not just me. Steve with the lead at the half, and enough time to re-apply the VO5.

2:14AM - Watching basketball for 24 hours.... well, let's just go with a frame from Chopping Mall:

2:14AM - ESPN's ad inventory? Schick Shadel Alcohol Treatment Center. Pat O'Day, the legend of Seattle radio, does the ad. "Who I am doesn't really matter." Please! No coincidence that the center is also in Seattle. But the audience for this game must be high...or the degenerates awake at this hour are the same - the site is crashed. Pat's busy selling real estate in the San Juan

2:32AM - Hawaii's next opponent is the Central Arkansas Bears. Names?

JaDarius Davis
Dewan Clayborn
Mike Pouncy
Jacquan McClinton (didn't he play bass for Isaac Hayes?)
Imad Qahwash

Get there, Bears.

2:35AM -

2:43AM - Pop quiz!

This man just:

a) Killed your family in their sleep
b) Ate a bucket of sand
c) Made a basket in a sporting contest

2:46AM - So last year I bet on the Gaels and the Bows... this year, let's just say there's nothing new under the sun. Neither bet is making me too happy right now, but there's always time. Until there isn't.

So who's the big team this year? Michigan State? Eh, whatever. Duke? That would be like trying to predict who's ass smells the worst. Not Villanova, of course. Texas A&M still on the board! Kansas State is a flash in the pan. I'm going to go with Florida. Why? Because it's almost three in the morning and I'm about to watch two hours of basketball featuring the Central Michigan Chippewas. I am invincible.


3:04AM - The Gaels just do what they do, and run the lead to 10. Now let's just hold it boys. Your coach is losing the Grease Battle, but you can still win the war.

Taking a look at the Gophers non-conference schedule... Western Kentucky, NDSU, SDSU (no, not the Aztecs), Virginia, St. Joe's. Not bad at all. A good mix of mid-level talent that will do enough to impress voters if they go 9-9 again. The thing to remember is that when in doubt, the dumbfuck committee will ALWAYS go with a school like Minnesota over Milwaukee or St. Mary's. It makes sense in so many ways (except the one about, you know, picking the better team). So kudos to Tubby. But eventually, that would be really neat if they could compete for the Big 10 title. I know, I know. Give it time. But am I wrong to just want Blake to go back to shooting it from his ass?

(de-evolution of an idea: complete)

Greaser McFaceStain is going to have to teach some of these kids to shoot the basketball. Remember guys, you get that ball up over your forehead, and look through the window. Pick out the three hooks on the front of the rim, and aim for the middle one. Follow through. No, not every shot can be a dunk.

St. Mary's making their throws, man that's nice to see. I would've doubled the over in the Memphis game if they believed in practicing. Well, it's like my attorney said, "You don't walk off the island." And apparently, you don't shoot free throws out of Queens.


3:28am - Ahhhhhhhhhh, the Aloha State. I'm not sure what I'm in store for from the Bows, but any B-roll you can run of the North Shore sure would make my day. We weren't supposed to leave! We have to go back!

No HD cameras for this one, huh ESPN? Well that's not a surprise. Remember like 2 years ago when the entire US converted to over-the-air digital signal? And we all had to get those converter boxes, and the government gave us rebates, and so forth? Yeah? HAWAII DIDN'T DO THAT. They saw what was happening, and decided "No, our TV is good enough". And ain't a damn thing you can do about it, Obama.

You really should've seen that local coverage of the impending tsunami. Let's just say I've seen higher production value out of Channel 13 in Eau Claire, WI. They would cut to "experts", who of course are experts because they have lived on the island their whole lives, and have seen "stuff like this back in 62". The analysis was something along the lines of "If there's big waves, run". But really, the whole thing is a microcosm for life there. Tsunamis and traffic and the occasional murder... they don't mean anything. Life endures. The news is just a constant reminder that life on the island is fucking great.


So Ron Artest changed his jersey number again this year. He did this because he's absolutely bat-ass insane. But it makes you think.... how was he ever able to harness that immense physical ability with what is obviously a psychotic brain? How did he not end up in an institution with "talking doctors"? He took a shot in a game after everyone in the stadium, including his own teammates, were screaming at him to NOT SHOOT. He shot anyway, and when he was asked about it, he said "Just play basketball, man." He made Craig Sager say "Queensbridge" during an interview after he just hit the winning shot. The first thought he had in his head when he won the championship was to thank his psychiatrist (which makes perfect sense). When will he sign up for the NBDL, just because they have "nicer nets"?

4:10AM - Did you know we're coming to you live from "the island of Hawaii"? I was not aware this was being played on the Big Island. Oh, what's that you say? DumbFuck BrownStone doesn't know where he is? He thinks Hawaii is one big island and also that soda cans are too difficult to operate? Well, that makes sense.

They don't allow outside banks to operate in Hawaii. You can search all you want for a US Bank ATM, even in the heart of Waikiki, and you will find nothing. We joined First Hawaiian, and it was the best bank in the world. Our branch shared a parking lot with Pat's Pizza.

They just showed b-roll of Molokai, specifically the sea cliffs. I have climbed those cliffs. They zip over them in a helicopter and it's breathtaking how sun-drenched and green they are. Yeah, not when you are walking up behind ass-dropping burros. Then it all just looks like shit.

Did you also know about Hawaii that...............


9:43AM - We're awake on the Pacific Coast, and before we start our day, let's check in on the games. I hear cheering...South Illinois with the lead. I don't care where you are - Missouri Valley basketball before 8AM isn't good for your health. Good crowd for a breakfast game, though. Have the concessions adjusted? Can you still get a dog? Or is it all donuts. Now there's an idea. Shit, I have to get ready for work.

10:12AM - Dave Sliznewski here. Thought it was time I checked in. Better late than never.

A few things. This page may need a section dedicated to Barry basketball. Who doesn't want to cheer for Barry - single person or team?

Secondly, Mike Pouncy.

I sure was hoping he was fat - I had a pouncing-on-donuts joke all loaded up and ready to go. Oh well. Great name anyways.

I have to say the Gophers are looking like they may actually have a team this year. And by that I mean a team that might be able to at least compete in the Big Ten. With Mbakwe, they have enough size up front to keep any post scorers at bay - Ryan Rossiter, Siena's big fella, didn't do much damage. Of course, the Gophs still can't stop any wing players, so Kalen Luca will score 40 on them before they blink. But hey, the fat guy that's playing center for Sparty won't do much but eat donuts. Good. Got that donut joke in there.

11:05AM - (chugs coffee, grunts, opens Veetle, sighs)

Marist? +29 against Villanova? WELCOME BACK SWEET GAMBLING ADDICTION!!! If Siena can play with MN for 25 minutes, I've got to believe Villanova doesn't win by more than 20. Here's some money to back up that claim. We're back.
11:20 am. Dickfer with observations. Watching the heated rivalry of Southern Illinois and Northeastern. Might go double OT. No one wants this. The coaches, players, fans, announcers . . . they just want to go home. Fans are cheering . . . to go home. OH GOD CHRIS WEBBER TIMEOUT. Whoops, SIU. Any energy to make throws. Yes, the first one. Not the second. SIU can't do anything. Nap time for all.

Sliz says: 5 total points in OT, huh? Yeah Dickfer, nobody wanted to be there.

11:39AM - The great thing about surfing around to different teams on is that you get to see the most recent video highlight that they produced for said team. Now, most of these, like Duke for example, had a video made of them yesterday... highlighting the challenges for the season, etc. But not the little guys. Take, for example, Maryland-Eastern Shore. That highlight? January of 2009. Blake Griffin, stone cold rocking it. I'm pretty sure we could find a video produced in the 90s if we dig hard enough. Coppin State? You gonna show Toby Bailey, errrrrrrrr?

FOUND IT: Winston-Salem. Yeah, you know, the Rams? That video that is linked to in the sidebar? DECEMBER 19, 2006. That was the last time that a major sports outlet even thought to air your "highlights". Of course, it is a game where you lost by FIFTY ONE to Kansas, but hey, git buckets.

11:58AM - Sliz back. Couldn't help but notice the offensive "heavyweights" that punched it out in West Long Branch, NJ this fine morning. They scored 100 points. No, not each. The Stonybrook Seawolves took it to the Momouth Hawks 51-49. That's less than half of the points scored in the average NBA game these days. I mean, the Wisconsin football team almost scored that many points this weekend.

More interestingly though, evey Monmouth player managed to score, including center Nick DelTufo (from Jersey of course). He managed to net 1 point in 14 "solid" minutes of play. Nobody scored more than 9 points, but hey - they all got buckets.

12:05PM - Trip here. I had good luck with Barry, so I'm scanning through tonight's games: Ap State has...Montreat College??? Is that a spelling error?'s a school in the "Blue Ridge Mountains." But what conference are....NAIA. Come on Appalachian State! What, all the high schools are booked? Maybe it was because Neumann was booked. They play Navy.

Neumann’s student-athletes play to win, but not only on a field, court or rink. With the guidance of their coaches and team chaplains, Neumann student-athletes learn to balance their athletic schedules with their coursework. They gain experience handling the pressure to perform on and off the court, bear the scrutiny of the media, and represent the good name and reputation of their university at other schools.
The scrutiny on the school is they're able to manage the stress is a mystery.

Sliz says: I didn't realize Chief's cat played hoops...

1:35PM - First of all, THAT'S the Golden Hurricane basketball we've been waiting for. T-U-L-S-A. Tulsa, Tulsa, heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Canes!!! (that is absolutely not their fight song)

Second of all, when you mention the college of Neumann, you just give me clearance to post this pic:

Notice how Newman, much like the student athletes, is having a problem figuring out just where the appropriate place to go to the bathroom is. It's not there, stupid!!!

I missed out on this Baylor bet. But I can't bet a team of murderers. At least not in NCAA basketball. The Ravens, yes....

2:52PM - The Sniz just got done watching a few minutes of the Baylor Felons, err Bears and the La Salle whatevertheyares (read: too lazy to look it up).  Baylor does two things. Ghetto and Ghatto. First off they are tall and it is very apparent that they don't practice shooting (Ghetto).  Well, I guess if the dunk shot is considered practice....  Secondly, their stud, LaceDarious Dunn, isn't going to be playing for a few games due to a felony charge (Ghatto). But hey, charges were eventually dropped. That's like innocent...

I Appreciate a Good Clown

What happens when Kevin Love and Wes Johnson can't connect on a simple handshake?


I know it's only one small event (and a super corny one at that), but I think we can all agree that this is something that would've NEVER happened under the old regime. Could you see McHale doing this? I mean, we all thought his Frankenstein impersonations were funny, but I don't think he really meant to be funny.  Stupid corpse. 

Glen and the boys have been losing money and now it seems that they're trying a new approach to marketing this team:  Keep it light and fun. Just like a certain baseball team did a few years ago. 

I'm not ready to say they're there yet, but this is a nice little preview of what could be, as far as an attitude shift in our NBA franchise's front office.

Plus, it helps that the basketball seems to be a bit better. Or at least more fun to watch.

November 9, 2010

Fearing the Greyhounds

It could be that Bruce Pearl has too much on his mind right now. Consider all that's going on:
  • The whole "providing false information" to an NCAA investigation
  • The hefty salary cut as a result of that misleading information
  • Hitting the town, looking for ladies

So, would any or all of those be an excuse to lose to the Indianapolis Greyhounds? (Editor's note: the Indianapolis Greyhounds are NOT IUPUI, a minor league hockey team, or a fictional roller derby team from the 70s sitcom "The Roller Girls") The final score was 79-64. Does that make it an upset in basketball if the win is that large? It wasn't a last second trick play, or a full-court heave. It was a better team defeating a lesser team. Kind of reads like business as usual.

Indy coach Stan "Point" Gouard played under Bruce at Southern Indiana (PARTY SCHOOL) and claimed, as a result, that he knew Bruce's game plan inside and out. Sure seems like it. Maybe Bruce took this "exhibition" too lightly. Or maybe, as a coach under some serious shit from the NCAA, he shouldn't say the following things in a post-game press conference:

"They were better coached. They knew exactly what they wanted to do and how to execute their game plan."

Bruce you might want to lay low for a while...stay with a friend...'till the heat wears off.

November 8, 2010

Houston, We Have a Problem

Or maybe it's hundreds of them.  The Houston Rockets managed to win their first game of the season. It doesn't suprise me that it was against our lowly Wolves. What I found interesting is that it was the first game the Rockets didn't give up 100 points. The Wolves also have one win - and also have only held one opponent below 100 points this season. 

Scoring seems to be up so far this season - 14 teams are scoring 100 or more points per game and 18 teams are giving up 100 or more points per game. The Wolves aren't scoring the least (97.3), but they are giving up the most (114.4).

A Deeper Look

Statistics, to me, are fascinating even if they don't ever tell a complete story.  You don't need numbers to tell you the Wolves aren't any good right now, but it's interesting to look at where they are particularly bad - or good.

As I discussed above, they are terrible in the scoring department on both sides of the floor.  In addition to points allowed and points scored, the Wolves are dead last in field goal percentage (.387) and assist to turnover ratio (0.86). This obviously tells us they aren't passing well. They're either dribbling too much and getting stripped or telegraphing passes and getting picked off.  It also means that the passes that do reach their intended targets aren't being delivered to a guy in a good spot, which leads to all the missed shots.

The return of Jonny Flynn might help in this particular area because he is considerably better than Bassy and Ridnour is still trying to figure everyone out. That and Kevin Love isn't going to shoot 39% from the floor for the whole season.

Speaking of Kevin Love, the Wolves are the best rebounding team in the NBA so far this season.  Love is fourth in the league in rebounding, averaging 11.7 boards per game and third in the NBA in offensive rebounds per game, a category the Wolves also lead the NBA in.  Of course with all the missed shots, there are a lot of rebounds to be had, but the fact that this has historically been a stat that the Wolves have lacked in is something to be happy about. 

The Wolves can't do much, but they can rebound.

November 2, 2010

How Bad is Bad?

With their win last night, the San Antonio Spurs have now won 17 in a row and an astonishing 26 of the last 27 games against the Los Angeles Clippers.  Ouch.  That my friends just might be the definition of domination. A long-term ass whooping of historical proportions.

That might even make the Yankees domination of the Twins seem a little weak.  Maybe not.

Anyway, upon reading this gem, I decided to check to see if there were any teams that have dominated our own squad in a similar fashion.

I took a look at the Wolves splits against all the other teams in the NBA since The Season (2003-04), which marked the peak of this franchise.  The sampling is a bit smaller - only 6 seasons - but it's big enough for this here blog.

First off, some bigger picture numbers for you to chew on.

The Wolves record since The Season is a putrid 170-322. (Clippers are 195-297)

Of the 29 other NBA teams, the Wolves have played .500 ball against two clubs (Bulls, Pacers), and have won more than lost against five teams (Clippers, Nets, Knicks, Sixers, Kings).  Their record against the 22 other NBA teams is 112-277. Winning less than 29% of your games is not the definition of success.

So who's have the Wolves been totally dominated by? There are seven teams that have absolutely owned the Wolves over the past six seasons.

7. Portland Trailblazers
Record Against: 8-16 (.333)
Streak: L-12

Wow.  This is one I didn't really expect to see this high on the list.  Sure, the Blazers have been building a winner for the past 6 years, but I guess I just hadn't noticed that they just plain beat up on the Wolves night in and night out. The Wolves have lost 13 of 14 games coming into this season.

6. Houston Rockets
Record Against: 6-15 (.286)
Streak: L-11

What!? Yao and Tracy McGrady dominated the Wolves? I could understand Clyde and Dream, but Yao and T-Mac? The Injured Assassins? I think they averaged as many missed games per season as they did points. Apparently it didn't matter because the Wolves just can't win against their Western Conference foes.

5. Denver Nuggets
Record Against: 6-18 (.250)
Streak: L-12

This one really kills me.  Even though it hasn't been a rivalry since KG left, I still hate the Nuggets. I can't express how badly I want them to lose every game they play. Maybe that's overstating it, but still, this one hurts the most.  We absolutely owned the Nuggets in the playoffs for two years. It felt so good then.  Payback is a bitch I guess.

4. Los Angeles Lakers
Record Against: 5-16 (.238)
Streak: L-11

This one doesn't surprise me. At all. Kobe and the Lakers have owned the Wolves forever. They also happen to have won the last two NBA Champtionships. They've also won 12 of 13 against the Wolves. Yeah, Corey Brewer can neither play Kobe in the triangle offense, or guard Kobe at anything. Even tiddly winks.

3. Dallas Mavericks
Record Against: 4-18 (.182)
Streak: L-2

You might be saying, 'Dave, losing two in a row isn't a big deal.'  That's true, but the Mavs have won 14 of the last 15 "matchups" against the Wolves. When Dirk is involved the Wolves can't do anything. Well, other than fail down their legs until the final whistle blows.  Too bad Dallas screwed up that NBA Finals against the Heat way back when.  Beating the shit out of the Wolves don't get you no where, even if you are a star.

2. San Antonio Spurs
Record Against: 2-19 (.095)
Streak: L-12

Man, it just sucks. Tim Duncan and Greg Popovich have pretty much owned the NBA for the past decade. Even when they're not winning every other title, they just pile up wins. Against everyone. I don't feel so bad that they've owned us to.  They do what they have to do to stay successful and that's bitchslapping the bad teams. Twice.  What does hurt is losing 17 of 18.  I mean, the Wolves aren't Clippers bad. Yet.

Wait, the Spurs aren't number one on this list? Yeah, I was surprised when I finally compiled the numbers.  I was blown away by this one.

1. Toronto Raptors
Record Against: 0-12
Streak: L-12

I can't even begin to fathom this one. The Raps? Isaiah Thomas's old ballclub? Really!? They haven't beaten the Raptors since 03-04 - Chris Bosh's rookie year. Ouch. He's the biggest bitch in the NBA. Here's hoping the Wolves can put an end to this streak this season - and I'll count a win against the Heat as ending Chris Bosh's dominance of the Wolves.